You Wanted Me When I Wanted Someone Else

Flickr / Vanessa p.
Flickr / Vanessa p.

You shouldn’t because I don’t deserve to be in your thoughts. I hurt you, I hurt you every chance I got and I couldn’t even tell you I was sorry.

It’s not that I think about you often, but on the rare occasion I do. I remember how awful I was. I took advantage of every ounce of kindness you showed me and let it feed my ego. I bathed in the attention and admiration you gave me while it slowly stripped away whatever humbleness I had left. I was too young and far too self- involved to acknowledge the pain I was putting you through.

I stayed around, preventing you from moving on by leaving you with mixed signals that kept alive the hope that we could be something. Maybe you told yourself it wasn’t the right time for us or that I would be yours when I finally realized he was no good for me. I always went back to him all while refusing to give you up.

In theory, we were made for each other. Everyone even joked that we were the perfect couple. We didn’t argue because we had nothing to argue about and I spent more time with you than any guy I was actually with. It was countless dates that were never actually dates because I never wanted to put a label on it. You were so understanding and you stayed with me despite how apathetic I was to what you wanted.

You were patient and you took me as I was. You witnessed the side of me that was cold, the side of me that lashed out at the people who were close to me. You saw the childish excitement that I had for the season of Christmas and even spent an entire night watching old Christmas movies with me. We shared a sense of humor and could stay up talking about nothing for hours.

I remember the time you slammed on the brakes and put your arm out in front of me to protect me. It was the way you looked at me regardless of what I physically looked like that made me believe you liked me for who I was. But all of that couldn’t make me love you. Even when I wanted so desperately to reciprocate the feelings you had for me, I couldn’t. I remember the nights we’d spend together when I felt so lonely, when I felt like my chest was caving inwards. It made me feel sad because you were trying so hard and it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t feel anything when I looked at you.

You brought out the unbearably cruel side of me that I didn’t even know existed. I don’t like who I was when you wanted me. You told that you believed that deep down I was sweet and that all the other bullshit I pulled was a front. I wanted to believe that you could be right about me but I am not sure I ever did. I manipulated you into caring about me because the people I wanted to love me didn’t.

Keeping you around only brought me a sense of arrogance and entitlement like I deserved to be treated that well by someone I so carelessly used. All of this doesn’t mean I didn’t care about you because I did, I just didn’t care about you enough. I took you for granted and it took too long for you to leave but we both knew you had to. You couldn’t let me ring you dry anymore. I’d understand if how I was, made you hate me, if my cruel behavior instilled in you a resentment for me that can never be removed.

I want you to know that when I was finally compassionate enough to step back and look at what I had done, I wanted to call. I wanted so badly to make up for every wrong I had done you. But every time I got the chance to apologize, I choked. I had waited too long and I was never sure how to explain that my intention was never to hurt you.

I got too wrapped up in liking how you made me feel about myself to worry about how it was effecting you. Despite missing the window of opportunity or my inability to explain, I couldn’t physically let the “I am sorry” leave my mouth because that meant opening up. It meant talking about my emotions which is still something I haven’t learned how to do.

I know that you don’t hurt anymore from it, that you are over it, but if it brings you any semblance of comfort I want you to know that what I did to you has been done to me. This does not justify what I have done to you nor is it meant to downplay your feelings. It’s meant to bring you some peace of mind. 

What happened between us changed you. It may be arrogant of me to assume I had such a profound effect on you. I know I am not the last girl to break your heart, but I was the first. Something in you is different. You are no longer kind and gentle. You are cocky and cold. I want to believe that deep down you are still that person who is capable of loving so selflessly but I think it’s too late for you. I don’t think you’ll get your innocence back and I am so fucking sorry if I had anything to do with that. TC mark

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