1. This is great! I’m an independent woman having a drink alone. I’m enjoying myself.”
2. What to drink, what to drink…
3. I should be cool and order a good beer to impress those guys sitting a seat over from me. No Bud Light for me tonight.
4. “Bartender, I’ll have a Guinness please. Thanks.”
5. Guinness? I’m not even Irish. What Italian girl drinks Guinness? I’m not in Ireland! Stupid, stupid.
6. That cute guy just nodded at me! I guess he approves of my Guinness.
7. A shot of tequila? Where did this come from? Is someone trying to roofie me?
8. Oh wait, the bartender just poured this shot in front of me. OK it’s not spiked, but where did it come from…
9. Oh Jesus, I hope it’s not from the lesbian sitting at that bar top. How am I going to nicely explain to her I don’t swing that way? Think, think.
10. Who’s this guy walking towards me? Oh no, please walk past me.
11. Yep, he’s about to speak to me. Why do unattractive men approach me? Can’t I get one good-looking one? Maybe I’m ugly, too…
12. It could still be from the lesbian. There is hope. Come on, come on…
13. He’s getting closer. Look down, look down.
14. “Hey, that shot’s from me. You gonna take one with me?”
15. Well…a shot is a shot. Just take it, girl. Doesn’t mean you’re marrying him.
16. Oh God, this is the cheapest tequila the bar carries. I’m going to vomit.
17. Keep it down, keep it down.
18. “What’s your name?”
19. “Uhhh, I actually have to meet my boyfriend at the back bar. Thanks for the shot.”
20. Right, you have a boyfriend. That’s believable.
21. OK, to the back bar I go. Find some cuties and sit next to them.
22. Eh, these guys are decent. Good enough, take the open seat.
23. Why am I bothering to sit near guys? I came here to be alone. So BE alone, come on.
25. Oh my God, they have chicken fingers.
26. I can smell the chicken fingers.
27. The chicken fingers smell so good.
28. I forgot I didn’t eat dinner.
29. Should I order chicken fingers?
30. Those guys might think I’m copying them.
31. I’ll look like a fat ass eating chicken fingers by myself.
32. At least get a salad.
33. But salads are gross, who likes eating leaves? Not I.
34. Guinness is finished. Thank God. Alright, I’m getting a vodka cranberry.
35. “What kind of vodka would you like?”
36. Tonight I am a queen.
37. “Grey Goose, please.”
38. Yeah, you fancy bitch. Treat yo’ self.
39. Nobody is talking to me. This is fine, I came here for myself. This is ME time.
40. Do I look like a loser?
41. I thought it was cool for a woman to get a drink by herself…
42. It’s like, yeah, she don’t need nobody. She just needs a drink after work.
43. Who am I kidding, I look like a loner.
44. OK, scroll through Instagram, scroll through Instagram.
45. Oh my God. SHE’S engaged? They’ve been dating for like a day.
46. Five years? Her post says they’ve been together for five years.
47. What have I done in five years?
48. I got a cat!
49. And a membership card at the grocery store.
50. I don’t even go to the grocery store. I need to stop ordering take-out. Fat ass.
51. OK, stop scrolling. This is making you depressed.
52. Can this couple next to me stop making out?
53. PDA is disgusting.
54. Get a room.
55. No? OK continue to lick each other’s faces right in front of me.
56. This is just plain rude.
57. I’m going to vomit worse than when I took that gross tequila shot.
58. I don’t need this shit. I’m moving to another seat.
59. Why do all bars have ginormous TVs that show every possible sporting game?
60. Pretend to watch the game!
61. Brilliant idea.
62. This’ll occupy you for a little while.
63. I hate hockey.
64. What’s the point of hockey?
65. Stupid sport.
66. What am I doing with my life?
67. Don’t get all deep in thought now, this is not the time.
68. I’m going to be single forever, won’t I?
69. Well, I might as well embrace it.
70. “Excuse me, bartender, can I please have the chicken fingers?”
71. No fucks given. And it’s time for another drink.
72. “Here you go, one order of chicken fingers.”
73. I am a fat ass and I am proud.
74. Hey, this wasn’t too bad after all.
75. I think I’m tipsy.