Opinions are great and sharing is caring, but it’s no secret that humanity has decided your personal choices are public domain. But some statements however are so irritating, they need something more than a polite shrug.
1. “Whose funeral are you going to?”
Answer: Haven’t decided yet.
When did wearing all black get such a bad rep? All black is multipurpose, Wednesday Addams swears by it, and you’ll never have to worry about clashing. Another advantage black offers is that in hides most stains, which means even the clumsiest of us look sleek and put together. A friend of mine’s mother passed on advice to her when she was in kindergarten: “Black is always chic.” Have this in your back pocket for the next person who unoriginally contributes this to a conversation.
2. “Tall girls shouldn’t wear heels; boys won’t like it if you’re taller than them.”
Answer: Good. I’m too busy to weed the weak ones out; they can do it for me.
I’ve never quite understood the restrictions on this one, I’m tall and I thought being tall was desirable. Is there such a thing as too tall? Maybe for those whose ego is more flimsy than those mini toothpick umbrellas. Attack of the 50 Foot Woman was a low-budget film for a reason—because a fear of tall women is ridiculous. The next person who makes you feel the need to stoop is going to get stomped on.
3. “I don’t like unnatural colored lipstick.”
Answer: Good thing you’re not wearing any.
It’s 2015 and people have still not grasped the fact that someone doing their lipstick in the privacy of their own home before they go out probably is putting their preference for purple over a stranger’s preference for a sheer gloss. On the subject of lipstick, why are you complaining if I get lipstick on you? Makeup is not cheap; don’t be so rude and complain you’re getting free lipstick. If you’re trying to deter someone from wearing bright lipstick because you’re worried it’ll get all over you, I have some news: It’s going nowhere near you.
4. “Beards aren’t a good look.”
Answer: Neither are answers to questions nobody asked you.
Beards are like statement necklaces: Some people love them, some people would never go near them, but no matter what it’s rude to tell somebody you dislike the statement jewelery growing out of their face. What’s more, beards are very giving to their owners. They can automatically enroll you in the society for prestigious wisdom chin stroking and can help make an easy lumberjack costume with the addition of a flannel shirt. Als,o some people grow facial hair for religious purposes. Ignorance is a way worse look. Offer garlic bread, not unwanted opinions.
5. “If you wait too long to get married, you won’t ever find someone.”
Answer: No, George Clooney was 53 when he got married, and things are working out pretty well for him.
Admittedly this response is a tricky one because it will probably be followed up with a, “Well you’re not George Clooney.” Having said that, if your acting is good enough you could deadpan something along the lines of, “You’re not telling me you think he doesn’t have illegitimate children?” and just walk away slowly with that Clooney debonair swagger.