Adulthood, according to the majority of adolescents across the globe, is defined by only one criterion: complete and utter freedom. Freedom from curfews and homework. Freedom to abstain from any activity resembling a chore. And yes, the freedom to say whatever FREAKING comes to mind. As budding preteens, swear words were a right of passage into perceived adulthood. How cute. If only mastering adulthood had actually turned out to be as simple as slaying middle school frenemies with the vilest combination of insults known to 5th grade history.
Alas, fast-forwarding 10 years, we find ourselves taking our first steps into the real corporate world which, most of the time, does not accommodate the kaleidoscopic jargon we have developed over our educational years. Granted, the corporate world is not for everyone, but it is necessary to maintain a certain level of professionalism no matter how unconventional the workplace may be. That being said, swear words are not appropriate for most areas of employment. Putting a cap on word choice can be especially difficult for those who have been vigilant in exercising their adult right to cuss every piece of wallpaper off the walls.
Fortunately enough, this article will touch on 7 alternative swear words and phrases that equally possess the tenacity and spice of traditional curse words but none of the societal backlash.
1. “Son of a Mother’s Lover!”
This phrase would more accurately function as a term of exasperation rather than a name that you would insultingly call someone. In the work field, there’s always that one pea brained coworker that is late to every single deadline or meeting. Unload your frustrations…professionally of course.
COWORKER: “I’m running a little late. Can you take notes for me and save me a seat and fill me in on what I missed?”
YOU: “Son of a mother’s lover! Can’t you do anything on time?”
2. “Kiss both cheeks.”
This phrase needs no explaining but it leaves just enough to the imagination. You could mean your keister cheeks or your face cheeks but either way whomever would need to take a hike quick, fast and in a hurry.
COWORKER: “Would you mind taking the lead on this project? I wanted to leave the office early today for happy hour.”
YOU: “No. I’m taking lead on three other projects already and you can kiss both cheeks if you think I’m adding your problems to my plate.”
3. “You’ve got to be chitting me.”
One way to determine the effectiveness of an alternative swear word is examine its similarities to the real swear word. “Chitting” sounds awfully similar to its s-word counterpart and therefore makes for a great alternative.
COWORKER: “So Susan says we’ll have to come in on Saturday after all to make up some work hours.”
YOU: “You’ve got to be chitting me! My weekend itinerary was chocolate wasted by 6pm Friday night.”
There was this restaurant named Fudruckers that I became acquainted with while living in Charlotte, North Carolina. I never ate there but I couldn’t help the overwhelming feeling of offense that overcame me every time I heard that vulgar sounding name. To my benefit, however, I’ve found that such a vulgar sounding name makes for a good swear word alternative.
YOU: “Roger, if you don’t clean out this fudrucking Spaghetti-O’s stained microwave, I swear to Bob that Spaghetti-O’s will be the last thing you eat on this planet!”
5. “What the cuss?”
Because what better cuss word than the actual word “cuss”?
ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT: “I’m sorry but we won’t be able to process your paycheck until the next bill cycle which is two week from now.”
YOU: “What the cuss?! If I don’t get paid, nobody gets paid!”
6. “OR NAH”
Pop culture has seen an influx in the use of this term and the timing couldn’t be more perfect. Instead of saying “hell nah” or any other colorful variation of this phrase, simply insert, “Or nah.”
HIM: “Would you like to take a walk on the beach at sunset and discuss the origins of the universe and the relevance it has to…”
YOU: “Or nah.”
7. “Gold-digging Ginger Sample.”
I have to admit that I had a hearty guffaw when I first heard this phrase. It’s so comical and yet so appropriate for potential office gossip.
COWORKER: “Did you hear? Anastasia landed a date with the hot, new CEO. You know the one who has the apartment overlooking Seattle and the helicopter named “Charlie Tango.”
YOU: “That Gold-digging Ginger Sample!”