3 Food Improvements Every 20-Somethings Would Appreciate From The Kraft-Heinz Merger

Flickr / Gary Seidman
Flickr / Gary Seidman

Kraft and Heinz. Heinz and Kraft. No matter how you slice it and dice it, these two companies have played significant roles in the childhood happiness of Millennials across the nation. Who honestly wanted homemade macaroni and cheese made with authentic blocks of cheddar and baked to robust perfection when you could have the powdery, artificially manufactured goodness of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? Did you use any other type of ketchup to dip your Ore Ida french fries in besides Heinz? If it wasn’t Heinz, it wasn’t touching mine!

Well, Millennials far and wide can rejoice because more sooner than later, H.J. Heinz Co. and the Krafts Food Group will become one company, known simply as the Kraft-Heinz Company. This conglomerate of a food company will become the fifth largest corporation in the world and the third largest corporation in the United States. Naturally, this merger will increase annual sales revenue, which will equate to approximately $28 billion.

Alas, not many Millennials will be too concerned about how much revenue this mega-corporation will bring in annually, unless, of course, they had been fortunate enough to be a shareholder of either company prior to the merger. What will spark Millennials’ interest are the possible food collaborations that will be born from the Kraft-Heinz merger.

We, the Millennials, have grown and matured over the years and it’s only right that our childhood food choices evolve as well. Without further ado, here are 3 food improvements Millennials would appreciate from the Kraft-Heinz merger:

1. Breakfastables

I wasn’t afforded the luxury of having a Lunchable very often due to my overly monitored eating habits (thanks mother). Oh, but the day I found a Lunchable in my lunch bag, I nearly had a conniption. I poshly nibbled my crackers, cheese and turkey slices while the other lunchroom savages devoured peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As a grown up Millenial, it is imperative that Kraft-Heinz now revolutionize the Lunchables to include breakfast. But not just any kind of breakfast. A Millennial-approved breakfast. Pancakes and waffles? Are you mental?! Haven’t you heard we’re part-time gluten-free, vegan and paleo? Why not a sprouted grain bagel with dairy-free cream cheese? A parfait with no yogurt? Huevos rancheros, no huevos? For a beverage simply include an ice coffee courtesy of Maxwell House. Please and thank you.

2. Dessert French Fries

I can’t be the only person who dips their Wendy’s French fries in their chocolate Frosty. No, this isn’t the result of some strange pregnancy concoction. This combination of sweet and salty goodness is too addictive to deny. I can’t remember how many times I’ve ditched my healthy eating habits to drain my First World sorrows in Frostys and French fries. Kraft-Heinz NEEDS to give us some dessert! My apologies to the gluten-free/vegan/paleo Millennials because these sweet potato fries must be deep-fried and slathered with whipped cream, chocolate and powdered sugar with all the saturated fat and high-cholesterol included.

3. Spiked Capri Suns

Maybe you weren’t so sold on the first two revolutionary food combinations. But I’d be willing to bet your grandmother’s dentures that this last and final suggestion will have your unwavering support.

Picture yourself in class wilting from the academic assault your teacher is throwing at you left and right. All of a sudden, you remember the Capri Sun you packed for that mid-lecture thirst. This “wonderful source of Vitamin C,” however, is not only packed with 100% fruit juice (allegedly), but our good friends at Kraft-Heinz have also slid some of that liquid courage in our pouches real stealth-like. Suddenly, you’re not sure if you’re chemistry professor is asking you to turn up the heat on your Erlenmeyer flask or just turn the eff up! TC mark

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