You’re not you when you’re thirsty.
Love is in the air. And I make sure to keep an aerosol can of disinfectant handy at all times. My recent perusing of Facebook revealed that a good number of my “friends” are either getting engaged or married. Seeing this spike in the quest for eternal love got me to thinking: I can really get married!
Now, my parents have been married for over 26 years and so marriage has always been a subconscious aspiration of mine. The idea of the white picket fence, the husband, the two or 5 kids, and the nightly dinners I prepare for my family being the good stay-at-home wife that I am (chill, feminists) have all been the ultimate goal of mine. That was until I looked around and found that everyone else was engaged or married and I still didn’t have boyfriend the first. I would say I give up on marriage and that at the ripe age of 23 I have outgrown the idea of “settling down.” I can just hear the Baby Boomers saying, “But you’re so young!”
Oh shut up.
There’s nothing wrong with being single and there’s nothing wrong with being in a relationship. But one thing that will no longer be tolerated is the basic, thirsty and downright bizarre excuses that desperate singles make to justify WANTING a relationship.
1. “I want someone to match my swag.”
Single, desperate Instagrammers have popularized these pictures of couples wearing matching Jordans or Timberlands. Not only does this display poor investment practices (paying $300 for Jordans manufactured for $10), but it also shows how shallow your relationship goals really are. Why don’t you post a picture of matching Aquafina bottles because that’s how thirsty you look feigning for a materialistic relationship. Also, ‘swag’ is so 2007.
2. “I’d love to wake up to a good morning text.”
Apple has this cool, single gal named Siri who you can talk to. She can answer questions from ‘Where is Waldo?’ to ‘Who let the dogs out?’. So stop with the shallow ‘good morning’ texts that no more prove someone is thinking of you than you shooting your “friends” a ‘Happy Birthday’ text only because you happened to log on to Facebook this morning and conveniently saw that their birthday was in fact today.
3. “All of my friends are in relationships.”
If all your friends were shooting animal tranquilizers and doing Parkor down the streets of Singapore, would you? Don’t answer that.
4. “I’m tired of being the third wheel.”
Why do you constantly allow yourself to be the third wheel? Stop consenting to movie dates with your BFF and her boyfriend who spend the majority of the film necking as you watch forlornly by the sidelines, you creep! Either say ‘no’ or invite a fourth wheel.
5. “It’s cuffing season and I’d like someone to keep me warm at night.”
Take the $300 you were going to spend on imaginary bae’s matching Jordans and use 10 of those dollars to BUY A SNUGGIE. Walmart has them on sale. They even have different styles just in case you like variety in your mates…I mean blankets. Bank the rest of the cash, homie.
6. “I want a ride or die.”
Bonnie and Clyde or Beyonce and Jay-Z. Either way, they’ve been giving you terrible ‘ride or die’ advice. Do you even know the real story of Bonnie and Clyde? Bonnie, for one, was not shooting first and asking questions later; she actually wasn’t shooting at all because she had a fear of guns. She definitely wasn’t killing for Clyde, which means she definitely wasn’t dying for Clyde either. Let me also point out the Bonnie had a tattoo of her first husband’s name on her leg. If anything, she was riding for a man that wasn’t even her own anymore. Go figure.
7. “I just want someone to take care of me.”
If you don’t get off your lazy keister and get this money!
8. “I want someone to spoil.”
Ok you say that now. But sooner or later from your wife, Becky, will come little Billy and little Susie and then you’ll wish you had appreciated the times where you could afford to spoil $40 in one day at Chick-fil-A for yourself.
9. “It’s too hard to be celibate.”
That’s what he said.
10. “My family is on my case about settling down.”
For all you independently living Millenials, here’s what you do: Gather up your credit card, rent, utility and student loan bills. Purchase an envelope and a stamp from your local post office. Mail the envelope containing your bills to your parents’ house because obviously they feel the need to live your life. They might as well take care of the bills that come with it.
11. “I need to be married by the time I’m 25.”
“So that I can have my first child when I’m 27 so that I can be pregnant with my second child by 30 so I’m not an old parent.” What is wrong with you? No. Just no.
Ok, everyone. Pipe down.
While this was all fun in games there is a bigger point to be made. The point is I’m happy for my “friends” who’ve taken that leap of faith with the one they love. That’s great! But understand that I’m happy for me too and everyone else left on Earth that is currently souled out to his or her aspirations rather than a soul mate. At 23, not only am I single and loving it, but I’m simply living life to ultimately find my niche. It’s okay to be niched rather than hitched.