I wanted him, and I wanted him to want me back just as badly. When I was with him I felt dizzy and spontaneous and stupid. I made rash decisions, fully prepared to do whatever it took to convince him that we were a good idea. Now I look back with regret in the pit of my stomach and a valuable lesson tucked in my back pocket.
I can’t even remember how long we sat in his car, waiting for the other to cave. I can’t remember what we said, or if we even said anything at all. But I do remember my breath getting caught in my throat. I remember his palms slipping beneath the smooth cotton of my t-shirt. My heart was pounding in my chest. He was somehow too close yet not close enough. This wasn’t the first time we had done this. As a matter of fact it was the third. Each time he got a little more daring and I became a little more desperate. I remember biting my lip harder than I intended, focusing on keeping my breathing even as his palms kneaded my skin. I remember the warmth that spread through my entire body as his hands crawled to their intended destination. This wasn’t enough, for either of us, but it was all that we had.
I remember the first time, his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I pulled my tank-top over my head without a second thought, smirking over at him from the passenger seat. I was naive. I thought I needed to prove my worth, and that was the only way I knew how. I remember seeing that flash of hunger in his eyes, I could practically hear that tiny voice in his head encouraging him. I admired his self control even though it was a disappointment. How terrible it is to want something so desperately and not be able to have it. He called me a tease but the same could be said for him. I teased him with the curves of my body which he wasn’t allowed to fully enjoy. He teased me with the possibility of something more than this.
In another world I leaned forward and let my lips brush against his. Finally giving in to the temptation that had plagued me for far too long. In another world his fingertips traced along my cheek instead of my breast. The only thing his palm grasped firmly was my hair. But we’re in this world… Our hearts are beating at the same speed, for entirely different reasons. His fingertips are greedy, his breathing heavy, and the lust in his eyes crushes the hope in mine.
For too long I believed that letting this happen would earn me his heart. I tricked myself into thinking that physical contact would eventually equate to romantic intention. That maybe if I sacrificed my self respect for just a little bit longer I’d get everything I had ever wanted. But I was finally starting to see things exactly as they were. I was offering the world to someone who didn’t even deserve a single planet.
Since I can’t go back and change the course of our history, I had to accept the reality of exactly what we were. We were hands fumbling in the dark. We were beautiful words that never amounted to anything. We were a momentary sip of ignorant bliss. And in a way I’m thankful for that. We were a bittersweet reminder that not everyone means what they say. We were the knowledge that if you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone… they aren’t worth it.