7th Grade Math Problems Written By A Teacher Going Through A Divorce

Bad Teacher

1. Joel’s wife Linda leaves her house at 5:15 in a car traveling 60 miles per hour. What time will she arrive at the La Quinta Inn on Fairfax to fuck Todd?

2. Linda bought lingerie on sale for 40% off the original price and another 30% off the discounted price. If the original price of the lingerie was $85, why did she never wear lingerie for Joel?

3. Linda meets Todd for a drink at The Fickle Pickle twice a week. If Joel has 20/20 vision, and Linda has 20/40 vision, how far does Joel have to park from the bar to watch his wife commit adultery without being noticed?

4. Joel’s dick is 7 inches long and 2.5 inches wide. Todd’s dick is probably disgusting. What the fuck is wrong with Linda?

5. Joel had 95 units of dignity. He lost 55 when he posted naked photos of Linda online, 25 when he gave all Linda’s clothes to Goodwill and 12 when he lied to his neighbor about Linda having a shoplifting problem. What percentage of Joel’s dignity is intact?

6. Joel’s new rental on the outskirts of town is 600 square feet and has a pretty severe roach problem. Todd’s downtown loft is 3,000 square feet and has an ice cream machine and an 82-inch 4K TV. Where will Joel’s kids spend more time?

7. Linda and Joel have $119,389 in savings. He contributed at least 70% of the total amount. If Linda gets 50% in the settlement, what size monster is she?

8. Todd is 6 feet, 2 inches tall and 215 pounds of pure muscle. Joel is 40% shorter and 50% fatter. Doesn’t Joel still look better than a lot of Linda’s friends’ husbands?

9. Linda says Joel is “a selfish bastard with the emotional IQ of a deflated football” and she “wouldn’t stay with him for A BILLION DOLLARS.” Write Linda’s exaggeration in scientific notation.

10. The human heart has a radius of 2.93 inches. If Joel’s heart is flattened by a metaphorical semi-truck, what is its new circumference?

11. The recommended dose of Tylenol is 2 pills every 4 hours. How many pills would Joel have to take for Linda to believe he tried to kill himself, but to not actually die?

12. Studies show it takes 1 month to recover from every year in a relationship. If Joel was married for 10 years, when will he be able to get hard again?

13. How could Linda do this to me? Show your work. TC mark

Casey Rand

Casey Rand is a Creative Director at Droga5, the co-author of People Who Deserve It, and a humor writer for Reductress, The Belladonna Comedy and other, now defunct internet publications.

This is me letting you go

If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for.

At the end of the day, you have two choices in love – one is to accept someone just as they are and the other is to walk away.

We owe it to ourselves to live the greatest life that we’re capable of living, even if that means that we have to be alone for a very long time.

“Everyone could use a book like this at some point in their life.” – Heather

Let go now

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