I was told at about 34 weeks that my sweet little angel baby was going to come early. He was going to come TOO early. Because of this, I was unable to work, unable to go on our last hoorah vacation as just a couple to Asheville, NC., unable to work out, unable to do everything that makes the last leg of pregnancy kind of fly by or seem not as swollen and fat and miserable.
So, here I am. A week past our due date. Hospital bags have been packed, repacked and made sure they were packed again- for the last 3 weeks. And at first, I was upset and anxious and wondering if there was something wrong with me or my baby. But after being reassured by my doctor that due dates are just estimate dates and that our sweet little angel baby is as healthy (and probably now nearing the size of) a horse, you have to put your anxiety aside and get creative with your pre-baby to-do lists.
Here are a few things I’ve personally done instead of having a baby:
1. Sleep in until noon.
2. Take an Epsom salt bath, with candles and lavender essential oils and relax because this could quite possibly be the last uninterrupted warm bath you have for a long time.
3. Shave everything. You most likely can’t see anything, but you tried your best.
4. Drain the water and start fresh because you cut yourself several times and now you’re bleeding.
5. Reread What to Expect When Expecting for the seventeenth time, paying close attention to beginning labor symptoms.
6. Realize early labor sounds very similar to the normal pregnancy discomforts.
7. Google same symptoms you googled last night and reread the Baby Center discussion board conversations between other first time moms who are just as confused as you about what the fuck’s going on.
8. Decide you will be pregnant forever.
9. Ugly cry.
10. Take a shower so your boyfriend/husband can’t hear you continue to ugly cry despite their effort to make you feel better.
11. Wash your hair.
12. Deep condition.
13. Blow dry and style your hair. This could quite possibly be the last time you get to do this before you go to the hospital.
14. Paint your fingernails and toenails.
15. Pluck your eyebrows. You’re on a “treat yo self” role.
16. Take a nap. All this “relaxing” is exhausting.
17. Google same symptoms you’ve had the last 2 weeks. Maybe this time it’s different.
18. Sit on Pinterest and create a bunch of new boards.
19. Sit on that stupid yoga ball that your boyfriend/husband always trips over, while you pin.
20. Turn off your phone. One more phone call or text from family asking if you’ve had the baby yet as if you have forgotten to tell them and you’re gonna have a meltdown.
21. Have a meltdown anyway.
22. Turn phone back on so family doesn’t worry.
23. Watch 100 youtube vlogs about what to pack in your hospital bag.
24. Second guess your hospital bag.
25. Unpack hospital bag.
26. Realize you packed it correctly the first time and it was fine when you checked it the previous four times.
27. Check baby’s hospital bag.
28. Second guess his first outfit.
29. What if he doesn’t like this outfit? What if it doesn’t fit?
30. Pack 24 month sized onesie because that’s how big you’re positive he is going to be at this point.
31. Ugly cry.
32. Meditate. You’re better than these emotional breakdowns, mama. Stay in the moment. Light more candles and cover yourself in essential oils.
33. Distract yourself and clean the kitchen. Again.
34. Invest in a magic eraser.
35. Erase everything.
36. Get on your hands and knees and magic erase the floorboards, the grout, etc. REALLY APPRECIATE HOW MAGICAL THEY ARE. THEY GET EVERYTHING.
37. Take another nap. Maybe this is your last one.
38. Demand a milkshake. You’ve drank green smoothies your entire pregnancy. You passed your finish line but you’re still fucking pregnant, so to hell with the smoothies. Demand Steak n Shake.
39. Cry that you have cellulite while you drink your chocolate milkshake.
40. Google why you’re cramping. This has to be early labor. Not gas pains from Steak n Shake.
41. Take your dogs for a short, quick 2-mile walk.
42. Ugly cry when you get home because even your dogs are frustrated that your “walk” is a slow waddle.
43. Buy 3 boxes of raspberry leaf tea and brew every single bag in one batch.
44. Drink entire batch of tea.
45. Sit on stupid yoga ball after boyfriend/husband reminds you that its in the way again.
46. Cry because tea didn’t do anything except make you have to pee even more than you already do.
47. Make curry. Even though you don’t like curry.
48. Order hot Thai fried rice.
49. Cover everything you eat in Sriracha. None of these induce labor but hey, now you’re sinuses are cleared.
50. Cry again. Because now your taste buds are ruined for a few days.
51. Watch all of The Office.
52. Replay episodes where Pam is in labor.
53. Watch all of Parks and Rec.
54. Get another milkshake.
55. Debate walking to Steak n Shake this time.
56. Decide against it. At your pace, you wouldn’t get there until Thanksgiving.
57. Start timing your contractions.
58. Find they are still 10 minutes apart.
59. Take a bath to ease your frustrations. Maybe THIS is the last bath.
60. Reclean the bathroom.
61. Reclean the kitchen.
62. Organize your closet.
63. Cry while you look at your pre-pregnancy clothes.
64. Watch vlogs about unmedicated childbirth.
65. Feel empowered and make note in birth plan to not suggest an epidural.
66. Feel a piercing twinge up your crotch and immediately make another note in birth plan that you might just ask for the epidural.
67. Cry when you get to the part of the video where the mom holds her baby for the first time.
68. Hold your dogs while you ugly cry because maybe one day your human baby will be born and they won’t be your only children anymore.
69. Promise boyfriend/husband you will immediately get rid of stupid yoga ball if the baby is ever born.
70. Wash your hair again. This has got to be the last time.
71. Try to find a movie to stream that you haven’t seen a thousand times.
72. Give up and watch The Office again.
73. Answer every phone call with “Yes, I’m still pregnant.”
74. Pace around the nursery. There has to be SOMETHING you forgot to buy.
75. Attempt to make love to your boyfriend/husband. It’s what got you in this situation. Everyone tells you it’s the one thing that will get you out of it.
76. Laugh because it probably looks like a circus act.
78. Take another bath. Please. For the love of god, be the last bath.
79. Order Chinese take out. You’ve given up on spicy food.
80. Check pregnancy discussion boards for new ways to induce labor.
81. Really consider the caster oil.
82. Decide you would rather give birth to a teenager then attempt it.
83. Imagine your unborn child as a teenager.
84. Cry. They grow up so fast.
85. Time your contractions again.
86. Still not 4 minutes apart.
87. Try to fall asleep. Maybe in the midst of flipping around like a fish, trying to get comfortable, your water will break.
88. Your underwear is wet.
89. Did your water break?
90. No, you just peed yourself a little. Awesome.
91. Finally fall asleep.
92. Wake up at noon again like a middle schooler on summer vacation.
93. Feel unborn child try and break one of your ribs for trying to kick start labor with all of the hot sauce and excessive walking.
94. Try to remember you will miss these cute, adorable movements.
95. Discover the joy of hemorrhoids. Every day gets better and better.
96. Discover that they get even worse if you ever go into labor.
97. Read more mom blogs about the first 2 weeks with a newborn.
98. Realize you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing.
99. Cry some more.
100. Take another bath. Its probably still not your last one, but the water bill’s already through the roof, so fuck it. And while you’re at it, take another nap too. You deserve it.