While there are limitless ways to love someone and make your relationship last, there is only one fool-proof, time-tested formula to ensure it burns and disintegrates as quickly as possible. If you are having trouble getting there, and feel like you are on the brink of break up only some of the time, have no fear. Just adamantly grind down on each step of the following list and in no time your happy, puppy-dog love phase will quickly turn into the highway of relationship-hell between you and your “bub”.
1. Get Too Comfortable
The first time someone you’re romantic with in front of you it’s funny, and (maybe) even (a little) cute. But if you really want to send your partner running, get even more comfortable around them by doing things like waiting a week in between shaving sessions, burping at the dinner table and completely ignoring it, bumming around all weekend without showering or putting deodorant on, etc. Don’t worry. No matter how many times someone tells you that they love all your imperfections, the truth will eventually come out. This is when they’ll realize these aren’t “imperfections,” these are just your gross habits. Remember, you’re the person they are trying to be sexually intimate with on a regular basis—this will make it as difficult as possible. (Note: Only committed, disciplined individuals have the self-restrain to control their bodily functions in the presence of those they love.)
Nothing is more of a turn-off than sleeping with your mother, right? So if relationship turmoil is your ultimate goal, make sure to nit-pick at every irrelevant thing humanly possible. You know that awful, contemplating-suicide-moment when you are trapped alone in a room, usually before bed, with a seemingly invisible mosquito going to town in your earlobe? Become that. If you need more direction with this step, try some of the following exercise:
3. Back to back phone calls and text messages.
When they finally answer, be as silent as possible so they can really feel your anger through the phone.
4. Ask thought-provoking questions
Such as, “Are you going to love our daughter more than me?”
5. Expect them to read your mind. Especially when it comes to date night.
Don’t give any hints to where you want to go or what you want to do. Hell, don’t even tell them the night you want to go out. Let ‘em figure!
6. Treat them like a punching bag.
Why pick up a regular exercise regime like running or hot yoga when you can relieve all of your frustrations on your significant other? It’s convenient—they’re always around and, even when they aren’t, you have calling and texting. This approach works best on those already stressed out and overwhelmed in their own lives, particularly by their jobs and/or family. Make sure you are the icing on the cake for their complete utter misery! If you start to feel bad, take a step back and remember that, at the end of the day, this person is not your friend. They were put into your life to serve you, and only you.
7. Set them up for failure.
Insist on them making you regular, petty promises to do things such as calling you back in exactly an hour, remembering your 4 month anniversary (down to the hour) and creating the ultimate period kit for you. When they fall short, which they will, make sure to blow it out of portion, all while exaggerating how truly disappointed you are and how you never expected to find yourself in a relationship where being trampled on was the norm.
8. Give them friendly reminders you have the power to ruin their happiness with a break-up.
Practice makes perfect, right? Nothing makes a guy want to split more than daily reminders that they are always falling short of your expectations. Unless, of course you…
9. Wear your insecurities on your sleeve, and every other part of your body.
The more often you point out your insecurities, the more they will begin to notice them too and ultimately agree with you: you truly aren’t that great. That barista with blue hair and a shadow of an upper lip mustache? Maybe they aren’t sleeping together behind your back, but that is no reason for him to thank her for the coffee. Speak up. Let him know his deceitful and manipulating behavior can’t continue.
I know relationships are difficult and often appear like they’ve reached the end, only for you to realize they really ARE in love with you and want to make it work despite constant struggles. But eventually, their energy levels must deplete. Stick to this regime daily and before you know it, you will be more alone and miserable than ever!