Have you been single since you were a fetus? Did someone break your heart, which is made of burnt toast? Maybe a guy with Ryan Gosling vibes who could have intelligent conversations with you about Mad Men took your number because he wanted to take you out for steak but never texted you back. All of your friends have plans with their boyfriends or slam pieces, so this Valentine’s Day, follow this simple itinerary to make the day about loving yourself in a non-masturbating way—because the last time you did that you realized how pathetic it was so you stopped yourself and let the shower water wash away your tears.
Get up in time for McDonald’s breakfast. Ask for all the hash browns you can get for twenty dollars.
Take a CPR class. Since you can’t help yourself, at least you’ll be able to help someone else if you’re in the same room as another person ever again.
On your way home from CPR class, stop by the grocery store and purchase:
- 1 tube goat cheese
- 2 Tombstone pizzas (extra cheese option ideal)
- 2 bottles of Andre champagne
- 1 steak
- 2 bottles A1 sauce
- 1 balloon, the kind that are like tin foil and last for months. If your local grocery store does not have these balloons, stop by Party City. Try to avoid baby balloons, which will only remind you of all the sex you’re not having.
- 1 bag of whatever kind of potato chips speak to your soul
Listen to the Moulin Rouge! soundtrack while you eat a tube of goat cheese. This will make you feel good, because it’s in the shape of a penis but doesn’t taste like one. When you start crying around the bridge of “El Tango De Roxanne,” compose a letter to Ewan McGregor politely asking him to do music again.
Eat your first Tombstone pizza. Time how long it takes you to eat the whole thing by yourself. Average time is roughly 24-32 minutes.
Watch the most popular, well-liked movie that you’ve never seen before and record your terrible review of it on YouTube. Put intricate eye makeup on first, so at least you’ll get some comments from girls asking you to do tutorials so you can help them look like Miranda Kerr so they can get boyfriends instead of you.
Put that steak in the oven, if that’s where you put steaks. If you put steaks somewhere else, put your steak there. When the stake is bloody but cooked enough that it will not give you repulsive tapeworms that will eat your insides and murder you, pour an entire bottle of A1 sauce on top of it.
STOP. WAIT. What do you think you’re doing? Do not cut the steak. Eat it whole with your hands like an uncivilized human being, you idiot.
Shave your legs that you haven’t shaved since Christmas Eve. Lather them in cocoa butter. Rub them continuously while you listen to the same three Michelle Branch songs with the word “you” in the title on repeat for three hours (“All You Wanted,” “Goodbye to You,” “Are You Happy Now?”).
Drink the first bottle of Andre while you choose what to watch on Netflix. When you’re halfway through the bottle—which you’re obviously drinking from the bottle and in your bed—start watching a Ken Burns documentary. After about ten minutes of this, watch four episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
Eat your second Tombstone pizza. Since you’re a little drunk and want something—anything—inside you, your eating time should be cut by half. Anywhere between 12-14 minutes is acceptable, and anything less than 12 minutes is a commemorable record and you deserve to be included in Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s friendship.
Drink your second bottle of Andre. Watch Hitch and really evaluate your strengths and weaknesses.
Text an ex some things Pitbull shouts in his songs, such as:
- take a picture of me with a Kodak
- meet me at the hotel room
- that badonka donk is like a trunk full of bass on an old school Chevy
Personify your balloon—draw a face and give him a hot name, like Raylan, Noah, or Brody. Spend about 47 minutes taking selfies with Him, and post our favorite on Instagram. Choose the filter that makes you look the most desperate (Lo-fi is best for this goal). It will get at least 11 likes. How many friends do you have?
Text a friend a list of everything you’ve done so far, and ignore all their phone calls. When they text you, “ARE U OK?” respond and hour later, “??????”
Text another ex lyrics to Fleetwood Mac’s “Silver Springs”
- time cast a sepll on you, butt you won’t 4get me lol
- ill follow you down till the sound o f my voice will haunt you
- DID U SAY SHE WAS PRETTY?
- did you say she loves you
- nvm I don’t want 2 know
- you’ll nvr get awya from the sound of the woman tht loves you
Drink the second bottle of A1 sauce you bought at the grocery store earlier today.
Brush your teeth with regret.
Go to bed, next year could be better or it could be worse.