Have you ever had a feeling and you didn’t know how to eat it? Unfortunately in order to live we need to eat, and we need to eat because we have feelings. If living things like people, bears, and dinosaurs didn’t have feelings, we’d never need food. Just seltzer water. Feelings killed the dinosaurs because there were just too many feelings for them to eat so they ran out. This can be avoided if you eat each feeling in a very specific way. Here are some suggestions.
1. Haven’t had sex in 6 months or more.
Purchase a Tombstone pizza (DiGiorno will not cut it, that’s only for minor wounds) of your choice, but go all out with extra cheese and garlic because there is absolutely no chance anyone will see you naked any time soon anyways. When you pull the Tombstone pizza out of the oven, let it sit for about ten minutes. Do not cut the Tombstone pizza. Once cool enough but still hot enough that the first bite will burn the roof of your dickless mouth, hold the entire pizza with two hands and eat it slowly until it’s over. Biting around the sides makes it easier to hold and eat.
2. Can’t get a job and/or have a degree in English.
Don’t use your blow dryer while in a candlelit bath tub blasting Enya. Go to Taco Bell and order the party platter of 12 crunchy tacos, because soft tacos are stupid and probably made of sheepskin at a place like Taco Bell. Pretend that you have so many text messages and you’re in hurry because you NEED these tacos in order to be loved and accepted socially—which, essentially is not even a lie. Ask three times “how many tacos come in this again? Just need to make sure there will be enough for all my friends!” When you get home, climb into your bed with all twelve tacos. Drown their interior with the hottest hot sauce and watch “The Wedding Planner.” Cry into the the paper the tacos were wrapped in, because you can’t afford tissues.
If McDonald’s has the 20 piece chicken McNugget special for $4.95, get two orders. Eat all 40 McNuggets while you browse this person’s Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, everything and listen to Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing” on repeat. You will feel better when you realize the person who friend-zoned you prefers Burger King fries.
4. Your favorite TV show just got cancelled and a basic cable network is NOT going to save it.
Buy the biggest bag of Kraft shredded cheddar cheese and fill a vase—not a glass—with red wine. Fill it to the top so some of it spills so you can look at the spill and not do anything about it, because you don’t love anything anymore. Lie in bed with your arm around the cheese like you’re dating it and you’re in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Let the pieces of little cheese fall where they were meant to: in your bra, boxers, on the floor, sheets and pillows. For now, let this cheese sustain your emotional well-being by being there for you in your bed.
An acceptable time to eat your roommate’s stale barbecue chips and/or raw eggs.
6. The place with your favorite eating feelings food CLOSED.
Write the word “economy” on a sticky note. Stick that sticky note on your toilet. Eat something spicy that is so spicy that it makes tears stream down your face and onto the food but let it fall onto the food because you’re too sad to care. Later that day or the next morning you’ll have to take a sh*t on the economy.