Every once in a while — for some every weekend, for some every ten years — we find ourselves crying in public for reasons that seem so stupid in the morning. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, you’re probably one of those optimists who thinks this will never happen to you because you’re so level-headed and control your emotions no matter how many shots of Patron you took because Lil’ Jon was yelling at you to do it. You might cry on a curb letting the rain blend in with your tears because you think you deserve it because a show you liked got canceled, because someone you really liked thought you were worthless enough to ignore your Facebook friend request, or it might be something more serious. But usually it’s not that serious.
1. You lost your cell phone. The next morning, you realize it was in your bra.
2. Bank of America just sent you a timely and very polite email notifying you that your account has a balance of under twenty-five dollars.
3. Bank of America emailed you again after you bought your last drink to let you know you over-drafted and you still have to take a cab home.
4. Some guy you were talking to let you know that Happy Endings was canceled. And no, USA is not interested in saving it anymore and they were probably lying about that the whole time.
5. You started thinking about the Red Wedding.
6. Someone did “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on karaoke and you always had this thing about that song with this guy from college but you never got to do it together and if you texted him about it right now he wouldn’t respond.
7. Titanic is playing on one of the TV’s above the bar.
8. All of your friends are going home with someone and you just realized that Olive Garden didn’t even email you on your birthday this year.
9. There hasn’t been enough Roger on this season of Mad Men.
10. You thought you looked perfect, like Miranda Kerr, but the bar you’re at has a black light and everyone can see the lint all over your little black dress.
11. You just want to go home and watch a documentary on Netflix that this smart boy with no facial hair told you about so you feel smart, but after two minutes watch an episode of Frasier you’ve seen twelve times this week.
12. Speaking of Frasier, you just re-realized that even Frasier’s dad has more sex that you.
13. You’re not drunk enough.
14. In season 4 of Arrested Development, you just wanted the Bluth family to all be together.
15. We live in a world where Will Arnett and Amy Poehler’s relationship didn’t work.
16. You’ve been telling your friends that you’re so alone because you’re not sleeping with anyone. But you’re not alone because you have these amazing friends. You feel bad for making them feel like they’re not special because they can’t satisfy you in a bedroom.
17. This guy you’ve texted with back and forth for weeks just got a girlfriend and it’s probably because you sent him too many panda emojis.
18. This other guy with Ryan Gosling vibes who shared a lot of common interests with you stopped responding to you because you probably sent him too many suicidal emojis. (girl in bathtub; plug)
19. You have a degree in English.
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