I’m one of those emotionally closed-off people who can deal with things on my own, but when it comes to fictional television characters I cannot control my feelings at all. There are some episodes that tore out my heart with a trident and sucked a lot of the moisture out of my eyes. It’s emotional damage that only a genius therapist can attempt to fix, but I don’t even have a therapist and the last time I did I was eleven and probably only talked about TV shows instead of my terrible relationship with math. We all need help.
WARNING: The groups of words beyond this group of words contain major spoilers. If you’re not caught up with the show or episode listed, maybe go catch up with it series so you can be in touch with my emotions.
Mad Men season 5 episode 11
“Commissions and Fees”
Lane Pryce’s Frank Abagnale move indicated that something would go terribly wrong by the end of the season. His first attempt to kill himself in a Jaguar provided a commercial break of hope, but in the end he turned his failed attempt at suicide into an opportunity to stick it to Don by hanging himself in the office. Lane’s death affects me in a lot of ways. It’s now painful to hear British accents, and my dad has glasses that look exactly like Lane’s glasses, so it’s hard for me to look at my dad now. At least there are unlimited staplers and paper clips in Lane Pryce heaven.
The Sopranos season 6B episode 8
“Kennedy and Heidi”
I would have married Christopher Moltisanti even if I saw him do mob murders because he a sweet little aspiring screenwriter who just wanted to get out of a life he was born into. So when Tony Soprano chokes his nephew to his death in the opening minutes of this episode, a part of me died, too. To cope with this loss I listen to The Departed soundtrack in a dark corner by candlelight a few times a month, usually in the fetal position.
Game of Thrones
season 1 episode 9
I miss Eddard Stark every day. I rewatch this episode too many times to count, because part of me (all of me) hopes Arya will grab her sword and kill King Joffrey on behalf of her father, Westeros, and planet Earth. It’s too bad Game of Thrones isn’t like the Goosebumps choose your own adventure books.
Boardwalk Empire season 2 episode 12
“To the Lost”
I knew Jimmy Darmody’s death was coming because of something I accidentally read on the Internet when I was a couple episodes behind. It’s even harder to look at Steve Buscemi’s weird face knowing he’s responsible for depriving me of Michael Pitt’s lips that probably taste like a cherry Jolly Rancher. Even though Jimmy kind of had sex with his mom, it’s still challenging to look at men in vests.
Breaking Bad season 5 episode 7
“Say My Name”
Mike Ehrmantraut was so close to escaping with Walter White’s empire in season 5, but his father-like attachment to Jesse led him to stay in business. Mike enjoyed a peaceful death by some beautiful desert water and demanding Walt to leaving him alone to die. I feel like Mike is my third grandpa, and it’s so awful that he never got to say goodbye to his granddaughter. Also, thinking about Jesse Pinkman crying if he ever finds out Mike died makes me want to cry.
The Wire season 5 episode 8
When an awful child murders the hero of one of the greatest stories ever told in a convenience store in broad daylight, moving on isn’t really an option for me. Also, walking into convenience stores alone in broad daylight isn’t an option anymore, either. I thought Omar Little would be king forever, but I was wrong and I’d love to throw sharp objects or poop at Kenard.
Dawson’s Creek season 6 episode 23-24
“All Good Things Must Come to an End”
I always had a problem with Joey Potter in that I’ve always despised her. So the great part of the Dawson’s Creek series finale is that Joey Potter gets everything she ever wanted but Jen Lindley dies. I mostly feel lost because I thought the Pacey Witters of the world were supposed to pick weird girls like me, not perfect tiny little Joey Potters who look pretty great in any shade of lipstick.