Do you know that feeling? When you wake up in the morning, filled with regret, wondering if you’re the first person this has happened to? You know what ‘this’ is — most of us have had it at some point, unfortunately. Terrible sex, I mean. Like god-awful, spectacular-faking-demanding, possibly-painful-in-more-ways-than-one sex. Sex that has the ability to make you cry, even. During it. And not because you’re a nubile adolescent, experiencing your first feeling of love or whatever. Because you’re just so frustrated, or bored, or full of regret.
I had that last night. That kind of awful sex that even alcohol couldn’t improve. And based on my experiences with this cocky shit of a human being, far too big-headed about his own sexual prowess, I thought I’d compile a list of the things that I would recommend, mostly based on my own tastes, that men refrain from subjecting women, or just me, to. (I only speak for myself, self-righteous pseudo-feminists, only myself.)
1. The jackhammer
Women, we all know this move. On top of you, pushing in and out with an urgency that can only be described using a select set of mechanical tools. (Interestingly enough, this guy was a mechanical engineer, so maybe he had some very selective forms of inspiration. But I digress.) He’s on top, thrusting while saying something unintelligible, while you lie there, wondering why the only thing you can feel is the inability to breath and some vague sense of pain. It’s awful. Speed is not skill. And pushing it in as deep as it can go, as fast as you can, does not make for good-quality sex. It’s just uncomfortable. And thanks a ton, I’m sore right now. So, just, no. Not a great move.
2. The superiority complex
The cocky expression when he’s getting a response from you, the comments of “YEAH, you’re so wet!” like he’s accomplished something stupendous. Seriously? Firstly, with that kind of rough finger action (we’ll get to that bit later) and that off-putting demeanor of superiority, I’m starting to attempt to fake it so it’ll be over soon. Secondly, it’s what happens. Biology 101. You touch me like that, I’m going to get wet. It’s not a gift you’re providing me with. I do it to myself multiple times a day. And the absolute worst is saying, “Yeah, I’m gonna make you wait for it. Yeah, let’s see how you like that.” Um, what? I have no words.
3. The salad fingers
Okay, that video has nothing to do with what I’m describing, but the creepy use of fingers did warrant a worrying name. Do not, I repeat, do not jam a select number of your fingers into me like you’re digging for gold with your bare hands. It’s confusing, it does nothing for me, and it’s painful. If you think that just sticking a few fingers in and moving them around is going to do it, then you’re so very wrong. Be a bit gentle, move with some skill and precision, try it with one, maybe two, and then see what works. Having someone prod you with three of five fingers in an aggressive fashion while saying “FUCKING HELL YES” when what you’ve done is squealed in pain isn’t pleasant, to say the least.
4. Too much talking
I have no issues with dirty talk, I love it. Talking dirty before and during sex is one of my main pleasures in life. It’s great when done right, and it really adds to the sexual experience. However, saying “FUCKING HELL” repeatedly, while gritting your teeth, grimacing, and pulling at my hair (which, what?) isn’t exciting. It’s actually quite worrying. I’m all for aggressive sex, but when you start getting slightly scared of the man on top of you and worried by his unnecessary scowling, you know you’re in for a bad time. To be fair, maybe this is a tactic that can be used. Worry the girl into doggy-style. Keep up with the creepy aggressiveness until she wants to flip around so she can’t see your face and can attempt to muffle out your rage (?). (Then again, if you’re having sex with anyone like me, then just asking for doggy-style works.) Just don’t scare me during sex, it’s worrying and a huge turn-off. Especially after painfully scratching at me with your fingers incompetently.
5. EUOP (Excessive Use Of Penis)
I’m up for oral sex a lot of the time. However, if I want to do it, I will go for it myself, just like you would. Out of respect, I wouldn’t just sit on your face unless you asked me to. Similarly, don’t attempt to shove your penis in my mouth, unless I’ve stated that I will go down on you. Or do it myself. I don’t want that coming at my face unless I’m prepared for it, and I definitely don’t want it in my mouth if I’m uncomfortable doing it at that point. You’re welcome to ask, and I’m allowed to politely decline if I feel like it. Just like how you’re allowed to not want to reciprocate if it makes you uncomfortable. And thing is, if you’re shoving it in my face aggressively, chances are I’m not going to be up for it. I love pleasing the person I’m with, and I will do it of my own accord. Trust that I will make that effort. Don’t shove your penis in my face!
That’s it for now. And hopefully forever. I pray for good sex, I pray for great sex. Not this, ever again.