I’m not a naturally secure person. My mom and dad, although kind and honest were emotionally unavailable. I never learned how to bond properly and my combination of being insecurely attached and fearfully avoidant creates problems for me.
Being in a relationship brings out all my issues, insecurities and fears. I wish it were different. I wish I could just go with the flow and feel okay living in my skin. But, the truth is the truth and over the years I’ve come to realize that fighting against the truth just keeps you from facing it sooner.
Eventually the truth always come out.
If you live in your head every day of your life like I do then you know what I’m talking about. Deep down you know you deserve love and you know you deserve to be happy but, your mind is on a constant rampage trying to convince you differently.
Every day is an internal battle of self-protection and after a while it becomes extremely exhausting. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s been exhausting for years, but you keep on going and keep on trying and keep on trying to believe.
I have an amazing boyfriend. He isn’t perfect, but he’s kind and honest and loyal and most importantly he cares. The problem is that I have a hard time believing he cares. I want to believe it, but my past has taught me otherwise and it’s hard to let go of those old fears.
My past has taught me that people say they care, but they leave anyway, or they say they care, but never put your needs ahead of their own or they say they care but they take advantage of you or abuse you or they say they care and then they turn their back on you.
So, even though he has never given me any reason to doubt him my heart wants to protect itself so I come up with a new reason every day as to why I should leave him. That way, I can leave him before he leaves me.
Here’s a list of some of the things I come up with. Tell me if anything sounds familiar:
1. He doesn’t really care
2. You’re too much work and he doesn’t want to deal with it
3. You’re not important to him
4. He doesn’t even want to talk to you
5. He’d rather be with the guys
6. You can never compete with the Marine Corps
7. He’s going to wake up one day and realize you’re not worth it
8. Everyone says they care, but they don’t so why should he be any different?
9. He can’t even spell
10. Maybe we’re just not right for each other
11. If he cared he wouldn’t do x, y, z (whatever meaningless reason I can come up with)
12. He doesn’t share enough with you
13. You’re just fooling yourself dumb girl
14. You can’t make him happy
15. Why would he want to be with you anyway?
I try to see my way through all these negative thoughts and remind myself that they aren’t true and that I’m just scared. I try to remember that you can’t ever do or say the wrong thing with the right person.
Some days I succeed and some days not so much.
But, despite all the reasons I come up with to try and convince myself to leave him there’s only one reason I don’t and it’s because:
He’s The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me
Although I can be negative at times I’m not stupid. I know I would be a fool to leave. I know he isn’t thinking any of the things I try to convince myself of. I know I’m just trying to protect myself and I know who he is as a man.
When you know something, you know it no matter how much your brain tries to convince you otherwise.
So, my advice is: Don’t let your negative thoughts and misperceptions run your life. Try to see your partner for who they really are and try to come from a place of understanding rather than fear.
Try not to let your negative thoughts become truths, because they are only thoughts, not facts. Try to see the truth through the lies you tell yourself. Try not to live in your fears.
Every day that you overcome your fears is a day you are moving closer to your goals. My goal is to have a happy, healthy, secure relationship.
Every day I wake up, put one foot in front of the other and I keep on trying. You should too.