I know it’s early. I’ve been up for hours now thinking of what to write. Today has never been an easy day, at least not for the past decade. But I know I’m not the only one hurting of you being gone and it’s selfish to feel and think that I am the only one suffering. I think of you often. On this day and honestly every day. At times I feel silly that the thought even comes across my mind.
I have been basing my decisions and actions off someone whose opinion I can no longer ask. I question my choices because of words I can only hear in my head. Words that are no longer spoken aloud by you. I wonder if you would be proud of me if you were still here. It’s been a long road without you. There have been many bumps. Some big some small. Somewhere I couldn’t avoid and others I had to take another path. I wonder when I am feeling down but I find a penny on the ground and I feel better, it’s you that’s reminding me of better days are to come.
Even on days like today, I am also reminded you are the reason I am here. You only have one life and live it to the fullest. Even when the time runs out I knew that memories and feelings will be alive I hope to be able to remind myself and hold on to them as long as I can. I think about you when the sky is a beautiful orangey lilac violet, the smell of iced coffee and the sound of jazz music.
It pains me not remembering the final moment when you were alone and in pain because that’s what I can only feel at times. I hope you are able to forgive me when I was being a brat. I would give anything to go back to be able to let you know that I love you. You’re my first love and I would give up anything to see you here your voice and hold your heart. Because even though you are gone. You’re never forgotten.