Ladies. Women! (Funny women, in particular, here are 10 reasons to date funny gals.) With all this talk lately about basic bitches, you might be wondering if you are one. After all, you do like pumpkin spice lattes and shopping at Crate & Barrel and you’ve taken every “Am I a Basic Bitch?” quiz that exists online, so you’re pretty sure you ARE basic, but you’ve also heard that being a basic bitch may not even be about pumpkin spice lattes! (And thank God, because PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES!) I know, it’s confusing. But don’t worry: there’s more than one type of bitch out there, not some one-size-fits-all category for every (basic) bitch on the block. Check out this handy list of bitchography to find out which type of bitch fits you best:
The Basic Bitch: If you like pumpkin spice lattes and Crate & Barrel and you tell a man to stop before having sex with you after you got him all hot and bothered by being a female with a body and you have his baby anyway after he coerces you into sex but then take him to court for child support even though you have a job, plus you also like Bill Nye and the periodic table of elements along with Gucci, Louis, Fendi or Prada, you’re basic. (Does that clear it up?)
The Bad Bitch: If you’re independent and have money and don’t need a man and like to tell everyone what a bad bitch you are, you’re a bad bitch. You don’t give a sh*t what anybody else thinks of you and you don’t need to because you know what they think of you because there’s only one thing they could possibly think and that’s “Look at that bad bitch! I wanna be that bad bitch.” Cuz you’re a bad bitch. See also: Boss Bitch, Boss Ass Bitch. BUT NOT BOSSY BITCH. Bad bitches ban bossy, according to Beyonce, a bad/boss bitch.
The Bitch Magazine Bitch: If you like reading feminist critiques of pop culture, using Lunapads or Mooncups, feeling smug, wearing glasses, drinking tea and crying every time you get angry, you’re a Bitch magazine bitch. Not to be confused with The Bust Magazine Bitch, who also likes Lunapads and Mooncups and tea, but who gets stoned instead of getting angry and prefers making DIY cassette tape holders out of duct tape instead of critiquing culture because who gives a fuck, man, COOL EARRINGS! Are they bloody puppies with angel wings??? No f*cking way. Doooooooope.
The Crazy Bitch: If you’re a bitch of any kind, you’re probably a crazy bitch, because bitches be crazy. Some key crazy bitch behavior includes: taking your ex-boyfriend’s keys and breaking into his house when he’s not home (The Alanis Morrisette), keying your boyfriend‘s car for cheating (The Carrie Underwood), and using a key to snort cocaine (The Amy Winehouse).
The Scary Bitch: If you like American Horror Story, Saw, The Human Centipede, The Purge or Disney’s Frozen, you’re a scary bitch. Also if you’re a black woman playing a nurse in a family sitcom about kids with life-threatening medical conditions. The upside of being a scary bitch is that they spell your name right on your cup at Starbucks. BECAUSE THEY’RE SCARED TO F*CK IT UP, YOU SCARY BITCH!
The Selfish Bitch: If you don’t share your meals, your money, your time, your talents, your bed, your clothes, your knowledge or your toys, you’re a selfish bitch. Yes, three-year-olds who refuse to let their friends have the bucket when it’s their turn are selfish bitches—even at that age—but that’s okay because quite often, selfish bitches become bad bitches, and everyone wants to be a bad bitch. So don’t worry about it. Not like you would. #Selfish
The Nice Bitch: If you don’t feel like you relate to any of the aforementioned categories of bitchiness, that means you’re a nice bitch. You’re so f*cking nice you’re a total f*cking bitch. God, what is wrong with you, making everyone else look like a bitch because you’re so f*cking nice? Only a bitch would do that! Real nice, bitch. Nice. Bitch.