This Is How You’re Supposed To Hit A Deer Using Your Car: The Proper How-Tos Of Running A Deer Over

image - Flickr / Great Beyond
image – Flickr / Great Beyond

If ever you should find yourself with four of your closest friends casually tootling along a country highway at dusk feeling a completely false sense of security, fear not! The art of hitting and killing wildlife can present itself to you at any give moment. While slaughtering innocent animals may leave you feeling a mixture of ultimate stupidity, self-loathing, and sadness, I ask you, isn’t that what real art is all about?

Now, for the smaller stuff, it’s important to remember to hit them head on. If you swerve at the last second, you run the risk of breaking a skunk’s tail – and not actually completing the task at hand. That poor little guy is going to made fun of by all his friends, rather than being fondly remembered as he should be for his bravery in trying to cross County Road K at the very last second. Are you really so cruel and heartless as to strip him of his legacy?

Once things start to get a bit heavier in the critter department, it’s important to hit the creature with only one headlight of your car, as I did. NOT in the dead center of your front bumper. Preferably, use the headlight on the driver’s side. This is true for two reasons. 1. You can then hear the gut-wrenching gasp of your passenger and 2. you can pseudo-protect them from dying or something. Should a deer hit your car in the middle of your bumper, the car could explode. That’s just science. You really want to hit them just as it looks like they’re going to make it past your car and then ram them with the driver’s side of your bumper. This will not only give them a glimmer of hope before their ultimate demise, but also send them sailing at an angle into the air away from you and your friends, only to land on the opposite side of the road. This way, you don’t have to worry about your windshield cracking in half or animal guts showering you inside your car. You just send them on their merry way into their next life or whatever. Also, you don’t even have to seem them after they are dead. Isn’t that nice?

Now I took care to also take the no-working-airbags approach. Some may consider this to be the more reckless, wildcard option. For me, this allowed me not only to see every moment of the slaughter, but also to swiftly coast off the road while saying loudly, “I just hit a deer. I just HIT A DEER. I JUST HIT A DEER,” to the pavement ahead of me. Had an airbag gone off, my neck could have snapped, I could have swerved into another dangerous object, or I would have been confronted with the immediate echo of my panicking voice bouncing off the cruel airbag. Sometimes, it’s just nice to have some room to breath after something like that, you know? No one wants airbags invading their personal space after performing an act of art. It clouds the creative aura.

Should a flow of maniacal and nervous laughter overcome you, don’t worry! This is a sign that you’ve done everything right so far, especially because you are alive to do so. It’s a totally normal nervous reaction… (Right?) The hot tears of shame and depression should follow almost immediately. Again, this confusing mix of emotions is what makes art, art. As a creative spirit, it’s important that you keep this in mind.

The next step to success is to make sure one of your friends just so happens to have a Triple A Gold Member Card on them. This enables them to call the gold ol’ guys over at Triple A to come tow away your car to a location of your choice FOR FREE. Once your car has been towed to an auto body shop of your choosing, you better hope they pronounce your car totaled, for that is the true sign of success. All good art comes with a little sacrifice. We all know that.

Should your car be totaled, the next sign of success is that you have insurance, which will pay for your next car. The only possible snag here is if one of your friends comes to you a week later with back or neck problems. Then you’ll be making very close acquaintance with her attorneys, which is true failure in this circumstance. After all, this is supposed to be about Man’s relationship to Nature, what business do attorneys have getting involved in something as raw and beautiful as that? It’s about intellectual property and artistic integrity. No need to get bogged down with technicalities.

You may be thinking that many of these steps are completely out of your control, that you could never hope to hit a deer so well. What if the unfortunate little lady goes flying over into another car and you injure that driver with your “recklessness”? What if someone in your car gets killed because you didn’t have properly working airbags and they hit their head on the dash? What if it’s a buck and his antler pierces through the windshield into your eyeball? All fair questions. All I have to say is that most truly talented artists don’t have to ask questions – they are selected by a Higher Power, and acknowledged for their natural talent. Basically, if you have to ask, you have no hope of doing it right.

Congratulations, you have now learned how to be the worst form of human alive, the true scum of the Earth. There is nothing more truly artful than that. Go forth into the world and may Mother Nature never be unkind to you; you who is a prodigy, a misunderstood genius, and – most importantly – an artist. TC mark

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