6 Military Defense Strategies To Employ Against Thirsty Dudes On Tinder

Techniques from the D.O.D. to shield yourself from the D
Wikimedia Commons
Wikimedia Commons

1. Shoot and Scoot

The Strategy:
Artillery tactic of firing at enemy target and then immediately exiting the area from which shots were fired to avoid being hit by a counterattack.

How to Use It:
When a Tinder match opens the dialogue by asking you to send him a pic of dem titties, politely decline his offer and then immediately delete your Tinder profile and create a new one before he can call you a chubby cuntdragon. #byefelipe

2. Vedette

The Strategy:
A mounted watchman occupying an elevated observational post who relays information or warnings of danger to a main body of troops.

How to Use It:
Have friend dance on stage at the club to survey the scene from above and warn the rest of your crew of impending migration of groping apes.

3. Breakout

The Strategy:
Military movement or advance, typically through a weak point in the enemy’s front-line defense, in order to occupy a position beyond the enemy’s location or reunite with friendly forces from which separation has occured.

How to Use It:
Duck under the arm he’s using to lean against/block you from walking through the door frame at a party; reunite with your friend at the punchbowl.

4. Choke Point

The Strategy:
A choke point is a narrow geographical feature through which troops are forced to maneuver in order to reach their objective. Navigating this limited space can temporarily diminish the troops’ combat power, but the ability to do so can give numerically inferior forces an advantage over larger forces who must navigate the same small space.

How to Use It:
Spurn his advances by relocating to a more crowded area of the subway where there is no room for his manspreading posture. His desire to avoid the certain fates of testicular cancer, sterility, or his nuts sticking to the side of his leg that would result from closing the three foot gap between his knees by a few inches will prevent him from following you.

5. Chequered Retreat

The Strategy:
A line of defense in which components alternately face and retreat in the presence of an enemy, forming a checkered pattern, allowing the line to retreat while maintaining protection of all members of the corps.

How to Use It:
Assume this formation to allow you and your friends to retreat to the club bathroom all together to escape approaching crowd of sweaty, Axe-soaked mouth breathers.

6. Fabian Strategy

The Strategy:
Alternative to frontal battle in which strategies of attrition and indirection are employed to “wear down” opponent until they surrender or collapse from the strain of the gradual, indirect pressure.

How to Use It:
If he insists on pulling up a chair at your table and engaging you in conversation even after you explain that you’re meeting someone, try lowering your voice to a barely audible volume, staring at a spot just above his eyebrows while making a repulsed face, or responding to all of his questions utilizing the Socratic method of re-posing the questions back to him. Stay the course. Wait it out. Then raise your flag. TC mark

Source: “DOD Dictionary of Military and Associated Terms.” N.p., n.d. Web. 21 July 2015.

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