Things are caught in my throat and I am scared of disappointing everyone, burdening my family, alienating friends, pushing people away, ruining my future, wasting my potential, dying.
This spinning never-ending spinning and I hear voices in my head. The longer I close my eyes and try to sleep it away, the stronger they get until they are echoing like something that how the hell does it exist.
The thing is; these pains always exist. Whether it be the agony of watching people leave your life, or the empathetic pain for the people you love suffering something you want to yank them away from, or your own shortcomings, added to the stress of figuring out what to do with an anthropology degree and swindling every hard earned piece of cash that your family makes just to painstakingly survive and give you the fucking world. What if I fail and let them down… this is the hardest pain to stomach. In my culture where equity in returns on the children and parent are so grotesquely twisted together that they cease to be human and become Gods we sacrifice ourselves to through the rest of our lives like lambs. It’s too bad. We had no control in what we were born into.
Sometimes my heart is about to beat out of my chest, wretched from my ribs and out of my eyes like a scary stressed out demon thing. How do I feel more and give and love and hate as much as I do… it is not human. To be stretched in so many directions you lose the semblance of a person and become an ugly mound of flesh cut and distributed in pieces.
We were not made to exist in this world, on this plane, in this dimension. Our minds don’t think the same way they do, we were placed in our angst into a mechanical microcosm we don’t understand or want to understand. I live everyday like an out of body experience, repulsed, appalled, that creatures of this planet can survive and thrive and be sated by this bullshit experience. Were we aliens, accidentally dropped into this atmosphere? Is this why we feel such a palpable disconnect each and everyday – so much so that our own minds are swilling around and melting and making us go insane… Is this why I relate so well to people like Eddie Vedder, Christopher McCandless, Kurt Cobain – because they had been cast aside in life, understood what was important, and suffered endlessly? And they turned their pain into art and music, into something that was meaningful for them. Like Kurt hoped, one of these days mother spaceship will come back for us. We won’t feel the way we do, hurt the way we do, and when we suffer, will only suffer richly from here on.
And if we don’t find what we seek here on our planet, we can find it elsewhere. If I ever get to the point of no return, I am kept sane knowing that there is a way out. And I wouldn’t be sad to use it, to take myself out of this life, and I don’t want anyone to be sad on my behalf. Maybe it’s a little tragic to think this way but it doesn’t mean I won’t try my best to find meaning in this life. Perhaps that is this planet’s wily way of keeping us implanted here – giving us such an iron will to DISCOVER WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR that we are forever seeking more and more and more and will not give up until it is in our hands in our last breath out this life! So I’ll keep trying, I’ll try really really hard, and I hope we can take this journey on this ridiculous little planet together.
Mother spaceship, one day I will return home to you but for now let me find my will to happiness here.