Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
1. “This place can eat my poo.”
2. “Suck it, you whittling IHOP monkeys!”
3. *Over the top eye roll.*
4. “I don’t care. I’ll start my own group. Rejection from society is what created X-Men!”
Leslie Knope, Parks & Recreation
5. “I doth proclaim [you] a stupid fartface.”
6. “In my experience with butt faces, you are one.”
7. “The only thing I’ll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!”
April Ludgate, Parks & Recreation
8. “Ugh. I hate talking, to people, about things. This is a nightmare.”
9. Jean-Ralphio Saperstein: You wanna come home with me?
April Ludgate: Don’t you work at Lady Footlocker?
10. “If you ever speak to me in Spanish please use the formal usted.”
11. [Imitating her sister] “I love Ritalin and I have low self-esteem.”
Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
12. Xan Voorhees: You bitch!
Kimmy: A female dog? The thing that makes puppies? Nice compliment, Xan!
13. Xan: Hey, Kimmy, 1996 called. It wants its clothes back.
Kimmy: 2090 called. You’re dead. And you wasted your time on Earth.
14. “I’m gonna make waffles out of him.”
15. “Goshdarn mommy fudger.”
Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
16. “But I already did something today.”
Kelly Kapoor, The Office
17. “I don’t talk trash. I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, ‘Your mama’s so fat, she could eat the Internet.’ But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, ‘You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.’”
Chloe, Don’t Trust The B
18. “I almost hit you. I almost lost control and hit you.”
19. “I’m gonna set fire to his car and punish him for my mistake.”
20. “This isn’t about you. It’s about me … like everything.”
21. “What? Didn’t they teach you that at state university business tech college school?”
22. “Her face is the lunch meat, my hands are the bread! Smackwhich!”
Cookie Lyon, Empire
23. “Yeah, that’s my name. Take a bite.”
24. “The Lucious Lyon I knew would tell those idiots the streets ain’t made for everybody. That’s why they made sidewalks.”
25. “Don’t forget to thank your Cookie on this historic occasion!”
26. “Oh, I get it. So, Yoko Ono here wants to play on the song, too. Well, what can you do Yoko — can you play the tambourine?”
27. “You want Cookie’s nookie? Ditch the bitch!”
Mindy Lahiri, The Mindy Project
28. “Your secret is safe with me. Largely, because I don’t care and I’ll probably forget.”
29. “I have the right to life, liberty and chicken wings.”
30. “I don’t want to go to your stupid party, but you know what? I should have been invited?”
31. “What am I doing here? That’s like asking Rihanna what she’s doing at the Met Ball. I’m the queen of this ish.”
32. “I am not overweight I fluctuate between chubby and curvy.”
Emily Gilmore, Gilmore Girls
33. [On early guests] “Tacky, horrid people, why not just show up the night before with a sleeping bag?”
34. “Hold on. I’m looking up aneurysm in our medical dictionary to see if I just had one.”
35. “When a woman gives birth to a crack baby, you don’t give her a puppy.”
36. “If I wanted to play ping pong, I would kill myself.”
37. Shira Huntzberger: Frankly, Emily, there’s your money, then there’s our money.
Emily Gilmore: Oh?
Shira: And our family has a lot of responsibilities that come with that — an image to maintain.
Emily: Ah, yes! Well let me tell you this, Shira. We are just as good as you are. You don’t think Rory is good enough for your son, as if we don’t know Logan’s reputation. We do. But he is welcome in our home anytime, and you should extend the same courtesy to Rory. Now let’s talk about your money. You were a two-bit gold digger, fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to choose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time, I’ll never know. But, hats off to you for bagging him. He’s still a playboy, you know? Well, of course you know. That would explain why your weight goes up and down 30 pounds every other month. But that’s your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities. No one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won’t stop them. Now, enjoy the event.
Paris Geller, Gilmore Girls
38. Yale Student: Is it raining?
Paris Geller [soaking wet]: No, it’s National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot.
39. “Well, how nice it must be to be you. Maybe someday I’ll stumble into a Disney movie and suddenly be transported into your body, and after living there awhile, I’ll finally realize the beauty of myself.”
40. “Of course. We’re girls, so we must be fighting over a boy. You sexist, white-haired …”
41. “You, Logan Huntzburger, are nothing but a two-bit, spoiled waste of a trust fund! You offer nothing to women or the world in general.”
Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls
42. Lorelai: Rory, I love you. I would take a bullet for you. But I’d rather stick something sharp in my ear than go to the club with you.
Lorelai: I’d rather slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a pool of alcohol than go to the club with you.
Rory: I got it.
Lorelai: Don’t stop me, I’m on a roll. I’d rather eat my own hand than go to the club with you. Ooh, I’d rather get my face surgically altered to look like that lunatic rich lady with the lion head than go to the club with you.
43. Rory: Okay. You’re sure you’re not mad?
Lorelai: Oh, well, you’ll never truly know until you read my memoir.
Rory Gilmore, Gilmore Girls
44. “Ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat-boy, lowlife, butt-faced miscreant!”
Jessica Huang, Fresh off the Boat
45. “I don’t have to say ‘I’m sorry’ to him, Louis. I gave birth to him.”
46. “This is not a duet.”
47. Jessica: $4.99! I’ll give you $2.
Store clerk: Popsicles are a set price. They’re not negotiable
Jessica: You’re good. I’ll give you $2.50
48. Evan: What’s a pimp?
Jessica: Your mommy, that’s who.
49. “I just took a nap right now, while you were talking.”
Cameron Tucker, Modern Family
50. Mitchell: Let’s just let Lily have a normal childhood.
Cameron: I think that gay cruise has sailed.
51. “There’s a fish in nature that swims around with its babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell’s relationship with his mother and say, ‘That’s messed up.’”
Lily Tucker-Pritchett, Modern Family
52. Sal: Sorry you couldn’t come to the wedding, it was no kids.
Lily: It’s okay, I’ll go to your next one.
Gloria Pritchett, Modern Family
53. Gloria: In my culture, men take great pride in doing physical labor.
Jay: I know, that’s why I hire people from your culture.
Gloria: You’re too funny. I’m going to share that one with my next husband, when we’re spending all your money.
Charlotte York-Goldenblatt, Sex and the City (technically, the movie — but, we’ll let it slide)
54. “I curse the day you were born.”