1. The one always asking for rides.
This guy still thinks you owe him some sort of royalty for his past services and he is thirsty for your passenger seat. He loves to text in the 1-3 AM zone, small talk first and then straight to business. He’s stranded. He needs a ride. You pick him up. He forgot that he has 6 other friends with him. You’re outvoted into Taco Bell. He “left his wallet at home.” He will “pay you back.” Gets to his house. Uses keys attached to chain wallet to unlock door. Never pays you back. This guy is the worst. The assumed leash he has on you will only go away when you see yourself and your tank of gas as a privilege and withhold, withhold, withhold! He’s like that cute, stray cat that you fed a little bit and now its 100 decibel meows are disregarding your attempt at a REM cycle because it expects you to feed it. You have to ignore it long enough until it goes away on its own. (Side note: the ex’s friend who also feels entitled to free rides. They may seem like a nope at first, but sometimes someone accidentally buys you a full tank of gas. Trust me, it has happened.)
2. The one you can’t make yourself unfollow on Spotify.
Oh no. This one is tricky. No matter how much you may hate his living guts, you can’t shake his eerily flawless music preferences. You’ve unfollowed him on all social platforms, but you can’t seem to deny yourself that cute little reminder that he’s listening to your favorite My Morning Jacket album. Very dangerously accommodating. Don’t get in too deep with this Spotify affair or else you could find yourself over-analyzing everything. (“Wait, he just listened to Paul Simon. Someone’s feeling happy without me.” *sniff*) But really, he should stop being so attractive via music streaming.
3. The one you always see when you look worse than Britney circa 2007.
You know the look. You’ve been awake for 24+ hours, your hair is borderline pre-divorce Kate Gosselin, you’re wearing grey, fleece loungewear and have a zit bigger and meaner than the glare the library employee just gave you as you swallowed your smuggled Jimmy John’s in one fell swoop. Then, just as you begin getting down and dirty with the leftover mayonnaise on the sandwich wrapper, he appears. Directly in his line of vision, he surveys the unfortunate event he has stumbled upon, musters a weak hello and wipes the sweat from his brow as he scurries away in fright. You might as well just get back to your JJ’s, because there isn’t much that can be done at this point in the game.
4. The one who got hotter.
He was never right for you in the first place. The break up wasn’t anything special. You didn’t need him like the world doesn’t need anyone else getting married in Toms. And then, BOOM. But, soft. What light through yonder window breaks. It is the east and OH MY GOD…his facial hair…it’s like…kinda sexy. Did he get taller? Did he just develop a sense of style that does not exhibit a semi-light wash jeans and New Balances combo? Oh Lord, you’re in trouble now. You’re starting to lose all control of your lower limbs. You begin to panic as it overtakes your body, your hands. They’re reaching for your phone…no…they’re beginning a new text message…oh God…no..NO..THERE IS A WINKY FACE HAPPENING MAYDAY MAYDAY. Now you’ve done it. Really smooth, self. The only relief for this kind of problem ex is remembering his deal-breaking Pepsi over Coke preference and all the other reasons why you broke up to begin with. New found sex appeal does NOT mean that his poor decision-making has improved.
5. The total scumbag.
His intentions were always a bit skewed. He fumbled around with your emotions, never clear in his objectives. He probably made you cry with some BS excuse to end things and you definitely had a public screaming match or two. Now he thinks it’s the time to play nice and maybe flirt around a little. You don’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve that. He deserves a drink thrown on his perfectly lint-rolled polo. Prick. The worst thing about this guy is trying to keep it quiet that you ever dated someone slimier than the floor at the movie theater.
In retrospect, none of these guys matter. There is obviously a very good reason that you aren’t with any of them now. And that reason is obviously Usher and a puppy.