1. The Troll
Ah yes, the little troll hiding out in his parent’s basement, snacking on Doritos and Pepsi after a long day of being the worst. Instead of riddles, this troll doles out whatever he can to start an argument. He revels in the heated discussions he inspires and ultimately can’t understand.
Superpower: a whole bout of anonymity mixed with anything from racism to misogyny to homophobia. It doesn’t matter; whatever will spark the fire on the board and in his tiny, sad heart.
2. The Statistics
The Statistics usually shows up in the middle of an ongoing argument between posters. He/She brings to the table a series of mysterious numbers that may or may not be correct (there’s a 1 in 4 chance they’re right.) The Statistics is a good diffuser for the real argument taking place as people switch gears to bash unsourced information.
Superpower: a plethora of contradictory information found on questionable sites.
3. The Closed-Minded
The person who will piss you off the most in a comment section. Be forewarned: don’t go into a head-to-head match against The Closed-Minded. They’re not there to have a debate, they’re there to shout the loudest. No matter how many analogies, friendly explanations, or compromising offers you make, there is no changing the firm stance this person has.
Superpower: most likely years of misguided parental-affirmation and little interest in learning anything new.
4. The Accomplice
The Accomplice is just as it sounds: someone who latches onto another person in the comment board (usually a troll) and provides unwavering support. I guess trolls travel in packs, so it makes sense.
Superpower: years of playing Kelly Rowland to the school bully and a permanent hump from lack of backbone.
5. The Perv
The Perv likes to seek out intellectual, opinionated women and put them back in the place he sees fit. Other people on the board pay The Perv little attention because his unoriginality has become so commonplace in the comments section. He’s nonthreatening but annoying, much like that pervy uncle who hugs just a little too long.
Superpower: the ability to spot boobs on a human from a mile away.
6. The Lost Soul
The Lost Soul is either recently unemployed or someone with a lot of free time at work. Their boredom and sense of social justice finally lead to them setting up a username and entering the comments section ring. They spend just enough time online to meet all five aforementioned posters and ultimately decide to sign-off for good.
Superpower: an ability to discern right from useless and enough self-worth to get the hell out of there.