This Is Why I Lost My Virginity To A Guy I Didn’t Love

woman sitting on bed
Drew Wilson

I don’t speak unless spoken to. A lot of people interpret this trait as shyness, some think I’m stuck up, and others understand that I don’t necessarily find the need to speak to anyone unless I’m asked a question.

I’ve never had a huge urge to fit in with a crowd. I’ve just kind of gone about my life trying to figure out a way of escaping the life I was brought into. Not because I hated it, but because most people in my family, including me, desire progression and progression = not staying where we are.

Anyway, where was I going with this? Yeah. So I don’t speak much, but that doesn’t mean I’m speechless. Actually, I’m really adamant about what I believe in. My parents didn’t have much money as I was growing up, but they had principles and morals that they sowed into me when I was young. I admire my parents for teaching me how to be a good person and how to be just, fair and patient without being a pushover. My mother has always been a very correct woman – she married my father and has never married after being divorced, she has dressed modestly her whole life, uses very minimal makeup, keeps a very controlled public appearance, and doesn’t believe in modern dating. This is where my beliefs differ.

I didn’t have a female figure to teach me the modern world of dating. I kind of had to learn it on my own. Here’s what I knew: My mom lost her V-card at 17 and my parents were divorced.

I had an older brother growing up. I usually hung out with his friends, since I was a girl and I couldn’t go out on my own. Though I admired modesty and humbleness, I was constantly overcome by a desire to run wild, to do whatever I wanted. I grew to resent the way my parent’s beliefs and my brother’s shadow diminished my liberties as a girl. I became a feminist at a pretty young age.

At 18, I’d decided that I would lose my virginity to someone I didn’t love. It was a very calculated decision: it was a reasonable age, I was ready. I wanted to be more experienced. At that age, I was already a freshman in college. I wanted to enjoy my college years without any obstacles or dependency.

I chose someone that I knew wasn’t/could never be my type but who was clearly experienced. Someone who didn’t live on my college campus and who I could gradually detach from. We were friends for a while before it happened and after but we are no longer on each other’s radar.

I don’t regret my decision at all. At the end of the day, it was the best decision I ever made. Not because I craved sex, not because I was infatuated with someone, not because I wanted to fit in, not because I was pressured into it, but because I was ready and I wanted to move forward with my experiences. It was the most control I’d ever practiced over a decision at that age.

Ultimately, I didn’t want to define virtue by sexuality. Virtue is not synonymous with sex. You can enjoy sex and maintain virtue. The misconception that you either have one or the other is an idea that I wish would disappear into the ancient ideologies of prideful men. To all the younger girls out there who are wondering if their poor souls and purity will be forever tainted by a man’s penis… I tell you this:

Yes, it helped that he was experienced.

I understand the idea behind losing it to someone who’s also a virgin, but at the time, I just kept thinking about how awkward it’d be if we BOTH didn’t know what we were doing. The less pain I could avoid the better. Read up on what it’s like to lose your V-card before you head into the process. The more research you do, the better.

Your background is a huge part of who you are.

For me, this approach worked because of my past experiences. Those experiences shaped my thinking and found that this was the best option. Don’t listen to everyone else. Do it on your terms. On your time. Own that decision. It’s your body, after all.

No. I don’t wish I’d been in love.

Now that I HAVE been in love, I know for sure I preferred not to be with someone I had feelings for. Why? Because it would have held me back at that age, and put a lot of pressure on the both of us to do things we weren’t ready for, such as, enter a relationship.

Yes. It gave me the experience I needed to know what I want and what I enjoy.

When I got into my first serious relationship at 22 after successfully graduating college, (thank god), I knew exactly what I wanted from someone. I knew immediately when something was off and when something would last a long time. I knew how to tell the difference between what I was supposed to feel like when having sex with someone vs. what I was actually feeling.

No. It may not be right for you.

This post is in no way meant to sway your decision one way or the other. The decision is YOURS. Own it.

Your innocence is yours, and always will be.

F*** that stuff about lack of purity and no sex before marriage and not being accepted into heaven. Your virtue, your innocence, is not corrupt with sex. Like everything else in life, virtue is not black and white. Actually, it’s something you work hard towards throughout your entire life. Not something you can lose or build in an instant. You sure aren’t born with it either.

What the boy thinks about you doesn’t matter.

If you’re worried you won’t be marriage material afterward or that you’ll be seen as promiscuous, if your boyfriend pressures you or judges you, you have to reflect about how much control you exert over your life and your body. How good are the people surrounding you? Why is your self-worth attached to your public image?

With these questions, I leave you. TC mark

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