10 Things I’d Write On My OKCupid Profile If I Were Honest

Online dating is not a novelty to me. My last two serious relationships both began on OkCupid. I’ve learned that we tailor our online personalities to be the most presentable versions of ourselves possible. Would I explicitly tell potential suitors on a dating site that I organize my clothes by ROYGBIV? No, because it makes me seem slightly obsessive and uptight. That kind of honesty comes later in a relationship. But sometimes, don’t you wish you could just get it out of the way, without the pretense of saving face or “reining in the crazy?” Isn’t there something completely freeing in someone knowing that yes, I have actually eaten Hot Cheetos out of a bowl with a spoon for breakfast, and yet, they still want to ask me out? Here are 10 things I would include in my profile if I were 100% honest.

1. I. am. so. tired. of one-liners. “Hey, what’s up?” or “Hi, how are you?” is some of the laziest language possible in trying to court someone. Love should not be lazy. Now, I realize many people are not on OkCupid for love, and that’s fine. But my profile makes it pretty clear that I take my relationships and dating someone pretty seriously. PLEASE don’t be lazy.

2. If you’re a white male, check your privilege at the door. All of it. I have no patience for any more messages about how you think men are also oppressed or how you’ve never been with someone who’s Chinese before. I am not a collectible.

3. If you answered “yes” to the question “Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs were not allowed to reproduce?” turn around and walk away. 

4. I talk a lot on the first date. Probably really quickly. Sometimes it’s intimidating. I don’t talk this much all the time. After a month with an ex, we were just eating dinner at his place, not saying much, and he asked me, “Are you ok?” I was surprised and said, “Yes, I’m fine, this is just how I am.” More silence is normal as I mellow out and get more comfortable.

5. In what alternative universe does “Hi there. A new sub of mine is looking to connect with other curious or new subs. Are you submissive or curious about submission?” EVER work on someone? Yet, someone must have responded to it to make you think it might be successful elsewhere, so now the rest of us have to suffer through spectacular lines like that.

6. Also, speaking of alternative universes, why are you messaging me if our compatibility is less than 50% (preferable at least 70%)? Would you apply for a job for which you’re only 50% qualified? (I don’t actually want to know your answer to that).

7. If you’re not completely enthusiastic about going down on a woman, I’m not interested. Being with someone who’s lukewarm about or disgusted by this part of sex is a dealbreaker. I cannot agree more with Lauren, “For future reference, men of the world, I only want one thing, and that is your tongue on my clitoris. If I say anything else in response to this question, it’s because I’m taken aback by the idea that you think I could want anything except that.”

8. I have an embarrassing amount of One Direction in my music library. I feel like I’m not nearly pubescent enough to be in their target fan base.

9. 25% of my sentences start with, “I saw this post on Tumblr that…” I am an avid blogger, and Tumblr has content that is just so emotionally resonating.

10. I don’t have a good track record, or any record really, of staying friends with my exes. When a relationship ends, I stop all contact – I run down my list of post-break-up tasks and perform them mechanically, immediately, to avoid feeling too much. Emails. Texts. Photos. Gone. It is a brutal method of coping, but for me, it has also been effective. I leave no open doors, no possibility for this person to come back and hurt me again. Recently, I decided I want to be the kind of person who deals with loss in a different way. Less all-or-nothing. More “everything happens for a reason.” So I am trying to remember that being hurt in this life is inevitable, but letting love in, in all its forms, is always worth it. TC mark

featured image – Shutterstock

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