When Your Narcissist Ex Comes Back, Please Choose Yourself

It will feel like a taste of heaven at first, because despite all of the self-work and healing you’ve done, regardless of how far you’ve come since the discard; your deepest, most private prayers and wishes of love have been answered.

It’s been such a long time since you felt like this… so complete, accepted, and loved. You will feel alive again. Your world is as it should be again. You can stop the recovery work and love life again.

You knew it! You KNEW you felt a very real connection back then. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time for the two of you… maybe you weren’t ready for each other. Perhaps they needed time to miss you and realize just how lonely, colorless and miserable life is without you. You really don’t care what the reason is, do you? Because your together forever has finally arrived.

Then out of nowhere, the unsettling thoughts and feelings come rushing back. Small discrepancies in the things they say. The “unintentional” disrespect. This can’t be happening… yes, you’re just being paranoid.

You turn to them for reassurance and they respond with the familiar, “You’re imagining things!” “Why are you always looking for problems? Why can’t you just be happy about us?”

You’re confused – again. You’re doubting yourself – again. You feel insignificant – again. You feel like a fool – yet again.

Love isn’t always easy… it’s a choice you make every day. Look at the happiest, most successful couples. They never fail to acknowledge that it takes real work and honest intentions to remain on the same team.

But love does NOT hurt. Love does not leave you with internal conflict. Love doesn’t make you feel anxious, insecure, desperate and confused; until it twists you into something you no longer recognize. And love does not leave you suffering from trauma.

You don’t have to settle for that. You never have to feel like that. But for as long as you allow them in your life, pain, confusion, and self-loathing is what you will continue to live.

When you find yourself in that position… when they “admit” they made a terrible mistake… when they tell you they want to work on the relationship with you, don’t forget how quickly they moved on after they brutally discarded you. Immediately confessing to the new source of supply, the VERY SAME feelings they insisted they felt for you throughout your relationship.

Don’t forget how hard you worked on trying to bring back that “perfect soulmate” they appeared to be during the idealization and love-bombing phase. Deliberately dismissing their obvious untruths and disrespect and turning a blind eye to all the pain they were inflicting on you.

Don’t forget how they provoked strong emotions from you, then blaming you for feeling those emotions. Don’t forget how they repeatedly told you that you are undeniably “the one” for them… that they’re now “blind to anyone else.” Then discover them giving questionable attention to others to triangulate you. Don’t forget how you begged and pleaded for another chance, promising to be better for them and do whatever it takes to make it work – only to be thrown aside like yesterday’s trash.

Don’t you forget how you repeatedly put “saving the relationship” before your own well-being… and even after all you gave, how they brushed you aside without a thought, to continue their life with someone new; as if your relationship never happened.

Don’t forget how they left you… broken, confused, worthless, and invisible. Don’t forget how you no longer mattered to them because all they cared about was living their new life with the new person they’ve chosen to take on the role YOU have been playing until now. Don’t forget that as far as they were concerned, you were no longer relevant.

Because someone who sincerely and genuinely loves you, cares about you, and have emotionally bonded with you will never hurt, humiliate, and disrespect you the way they have. Even after a breakup.

You were targeted because of your kindness, strength, beauty, intelligence, talent, wonderful energy, and compassion. They were over-the-moon excited thinking about all the supply they will suck out of you. And they banked on the fact that you will NEVER give up on them… allowing them to continuously manipulate and abuse you; while making you feel responsible for fixing the trouble they intentionally caused.

And you knew, didn’t you? When the relationship ended, you knew you were finally free from all the toxicity they spewed into your existence. You knew this breakup would leave you broken, but at least you will have the space and opportunity to recover and move on. You just didn’t realize at the time how difficult recovery from all the mental and emotional abuse you’ve endured would be.

But the pain and discomfort of detoxing from an abusive ex is NOTHING compared to being repeatedly sucked into this damaging cycle of abuse.

You deserve genuine love, appreciation and respect from someone who is able to sincerely feel those things for YOU. Not settle for someone who “chooses” you based on their fantasy of how their ideal partner will fulfill their one-sided purpose.

You deserve someone who will truly see you and receive all that you are with the utmost respect and gratitude. Someone who will stand beside you through thick and thin.

Someone who will keep their heart fixed on you and choose you regardless of who tries to steal their attention because they will cherish and understand that what they have with you is only available from you.

They will believe this in their heart and embrace it with their soul… not just spit out insincere romantic lines from chick flicks and internet memes to groom you for manipulation.

I’ve been there. I know you love them and I know you connected in a way you never have with anyone else in your life. They were your best friend, soulmate, and forever partner. I know they made you feel loved, safe, understood and completely accepted. They loved your broken parts, your quirks, even the things you didn’t like about yourself. In their eyes, you were flawless… and this gave you permission and a safe place to accept yourself completely.

But I also know they can’t see you… that they are unable to receive your love and kindness. I know they cannot sincerely share your smiles and tears… your thoughts and your feelings… leaving you feeling lonely even when they were right beside you. They have a black hole-like emptiness within that constantly depend on external admiration and responses to extract supply and receive validation. Their brains aren’t wired like yours and mine… it’s nearly impossible for them to truly care about anyone outside themselves or see past their own needs.

So when they come back, please don’t forget that they won’t think twice about shattering your heart and completely destroying your life when they decide they’ve had enough of you again. They will always feel entitled to all that you have to give. They will assume you will always choose them over yourself.

You’ve worked so hard on putting your life back together piece by piece. You’ve been fighting a tough fight to get yourself back and you’re closer to breaking free from the abuse than you were ever before. So when the narcissist ex comes back, please… please, for the love of all things, defend everything you’ve invested into your recovery like your life depends on it…

… and CHOOSE YOU.