Recently I went through another rejection. I realized that I had reacted too harshly – had thought that I deserved someone’s affection just by the nature of that person being friendly with me and having worked through some emotional issues.
I did beat myself up about it but it also seems that whenever I ask a guy where a relationship is going, they get cold feet. Yet, if I don’t ask where a relationship is going at all, I am told that it’s my fault for not having asked where it was going and that the next time I date I should wait for the man to make the first move or accept being alone.
Sometimes beating myself over the head with advice men give has furthered my reasoning to develop an inherent mistrust of men, and that thought process isn’t going to get me laid anytime soon.
See, advice and human thought works a lot on the basis that there has to be an explanation for everything. Fairytales, politics and religions operate under the idea that there must be a good guy and a bad guy. That there is a divine justice that watches all things and if we do the right thing, that mysterious heavenly being in the sky is going to give us an award.
The person we love more than life will come to our rescue and make love to us every night. We won’t have to try as hard because we reached that ideal state where nothing bad can happen from then on.
Advice we give is on a similar basis.
“You mistrust men/women? You just picked the bad ones.”
“You experienced racism, but that doesn’t mean all people of that particular skin color are going to be racist to you.”
“You continually get rejected. It must be that you do not love yourself and need to get on antidepressants.”
“You’re fat and probably should work out.”
Why do we say this to each other? It’s because there is a whole lot of money that goes into selling the perfect life. We think that if we buy a certain self-help book, or undergo a special exercise regime, then we will see results that we want.
Yet you can be like me – you can be physically attractive, friendly, and still not get the guy simply because he is not in love with you. We may think that there is a reason for our rejection that can be enacted on that could possibly prevent us from further rejection in the future.
The problem then is that we are living in a dream. We think that by exercising, we will be attractive enough to our significant other.
We think that by undergoing hardships in life like Cinderella, we will find romance.
That if we enact on a certain degree, we will get the life we want and/or the education we need to be successful in any venture.
Whole systems are built on the idea of selling you the perfect life.
I’m asking you to stop looking for a reason for your breakup. If you are physically unattractive to someone else, there is a certain number of changes you can make until you begin hurting yourself.
If someone, who is not a doctor, told you that there must be something biologically or personally wrong with you for annoying them – that doesn’t mean you have a mental illness and need to completely alter your life to get that person to like you.
If you do not have the education needed for a job or lack the ethos that makes others see you as credible, that does not mean you must undergo extensive years of training in order to make people listen to what you have to say.
There is only so far we can go to as humans to please the others around us and going too far gives you a life you’ll regret with little answers.
I’m asking you to:
- Speak out, even if people say you’re stupid
- Do what you love, even if you’re bad at it
- Ask him/her out, even if she/he is out of your league
- Apply for the job, even if you get rejected
I’m asking you to do this because it’s your life and you make the meaning of it.
Scientists have found that there is probably little to no reason at all that we are in existence, so why should we beat ourselves over the head with someone’s explanation for our own personal problems?
It could be likely that the other person has an explanation for why the relationship would not work out, and the actual reason may be to circumstance, stress and/or different priorities in life. That person’s rejection of you is not a reflection of your personal worth.
When you look to please someone else on the basis of what you find to be your own personal lack, you change yourself. You grow bitter for how hard you work for others. For the rejection, wasted money and misunderstanding.
We grow defensive of ourselves and people, in turn, tell us that we will never amount to anything because of the nihilistic blackness inside of our souls.
Then we get depressed and/or end up in the mental hospital. The cycle continues.
Stop trying. Stop looking.
I know even as I say this that you will be trying to find an explanation. You will be seeking to be hard on yourself because you secretly enjoy having something to work for in your life.
Yet when you feel frustrated, I hope that the comfort in the meaningless of life, human behavior and human thought makes you remember that there is no imaginary level of perfection that we must reach in order to find happiness.
Like he said yesterday when I was crying my eyes out, “You think I’m something special, but I can guarantee you that I’m not.”