What has 2016 made of me? Has it made me a better person – someone more forgiving and accepting? Has it taught me the value of appreciating friends and family? Has it let me soar high yet still grounded? 2016 been a good one? Honestly, I’m not really sure.
Year after year, I imagine a perfect twelve months. Three hundred and sixty five days of eating healthy, reading a hundred books, learning my spanish, playing an instrument, getting an A+ on every exam, hearing the words ‘great job’ from my boss, and perfecting the church service. And year after year, I’ve failed to make the perfect twelve months happen.
Who am I kidding? It’s quite impossible to make a day perfect, so why expect a year?
I love making plans more than any person. I like the imagining what lies ahead of me in the next ten days…ten months…ten years. It keeps me on track. But here’s the problem, plans are the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. And the bigger problem, my life has always been a plan.
The problem with plans is that when you swerve a little, unplanned things are bound to happen. And that’s something you can’t just scratch off your big book of plans. Because it’s not even in the plan in the first place.
I’ve grown tired of wanting to be perfect.
I’m pushing myself to be some super human I know deep down I’m never ever going to be. I don’t want some plans defining what days I’m going to have and what kind of person I should be. I just want to be me. And I don’t think I can afford to lose any more of my friends, family, and even myself just to make that perfect twelve months.
I’m exhausted of hiding what a failure I’ve become. I don’t want to hear any more ‘I’m not good enough’ just because I didn’t get a promotion in my first two years at work. I don’t want to lock myself up in the bathroom with the running water covering up my sobs because my writing wasn’t up to that website’s standards. And I’m definitely done comparing myself to other people.
This 2017, I dare to be uncertain. I’m welcoming the year with a blank slate. It’s frightening but I am not afraid. So 2017, surprise me.