white pillows and bed comforter

How Do I Remember To Forget You?

I remember what you were wearing the night we first met all those years ago and thinking how the navy blue in your plaid button up shirt made your baby blue eyes pop. Your smile reached from ear to ear when you greeted me and all of my nerves washed away, even though I’d usually be a wreck the entire time around someone new.

I remember the smell of the Christmas pine candle that was burning in the kitchen of your old studio apartment, and I giggled to myself because you didn’t strike me as a candle guy. I kept it to myself, but the thought rang true because a different candle was lit every time.

I remember sitting through countless episodes of The Office and how it wordlessly became the way we ended our nights. It’s your favorite show, so I didn’t mind watching even though I actually can’t stand it because each episode meant another 20 minutes of cuddling. Sitting next to you on that brown leather couch and listening to you laugh became my happy place.

I remember when you moved and you asked me to help you decorate your new apartment. We never actually followed through on it, but I was happy that you wanted me to help. In typical guy fashion, all you ended up buying was a TV that was twice as big as your last one.

I remember lying next to you in your king size bed that random night in November. You were sound asleep as tears silently rolled down my face because somehow deep down, I knew that was the last time I was going to see you. A part of my heart shattered that night and I never quite figured out how to put it back together.

I remember the last time I texted you, just wanting to see how you were doing. I figured you were busy at work as the hours passed and that was the reason for your silence. Those hours turned into days and those days turned into months. It’s now been a year since your name has popped up on my phone.

I remember all of these moments with such ease, but how do I remember to forget? How do I erase crying out of frustration when you pushed me away if I tried to get closer to you? How foolish I felt when my texts would go unanswered or you’d turn down hanging out because it wasn’t your idea? Or the nights I laid awake confused when you would ghost me, only to slither back in when it was convenient for you?

It should’ve been easy to forget you when you started treating me poorly, but then I’d remember how good you looked on paper and how many boxes you checked for me. I was so sure that somehow we’d end up together, that I endured more hurt than I should’ve. You were all I wanted for so long, so how can I remember to forget?

I like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve

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