Most days, I feel like I’m being stalked.
I feel like no matter how good I’m feeling, eventually I’m going to decline; I’m going to fall into that dark place without knowing when I’m going to come out of it again.
Depression for me feels like I’m fighting against myself – almost like I’m my own worst enemy. I feel like a failure because no matter what I do, I can’t seem to make myself happy. Life gets harder than it already is, my motivation goes out of the window, and nothing seems worth it anymore. My bed becomes more comfortable than it ever has before, and suddenly I lack the strength to get out of it. When I’m depressed life just seems purposeless, which is unfortunate because, on a good day, I find purpose in everything that I do.
Depression makes me feel bad about myself. My self-esteem is pretty much nonexistent, my mind feels slow and hungover. I question my existence, because when I’m depressed all I’m doing is existing, not living.
One of the worst things about having depression is the feeling you get when you realize that life is passing you by, and you’re powerless to stop it.
As a sufferer of depression, I’ve run into people who think that they understand but really don’t. I’ve had people ask me what I have to be sad about. I’ve also had people tell me to just snap out of it, and live my life. I wish it were as easy as snapping out of it, but it’s not. It’s hard to fix a problem when you don’t know what’s causing it. It’s also hard being in a family where mental illness is stigmatized and not talked about. I’ve had to hide a lot of what I’ve been going through over the years. I find it rather unfortunate that I’ve had to hide my illness for the sake of everyone but myself.
On a day where I wake up depressed, I usually stay in bed for far longer than I should, thinking about the day ahead. By the time I get up, I’m already overwhelmed. I don’t care as much about my outer appearance. I don’t bother with makeup, and sweatpants become my best friend. My job performance suffers, and I always contemplate quitting. I find myself making stupid mistakes, and not really caring as much as I should. Life becomes a chore.
You never know when depression is going to hit, you never know how bad it’s going to get, and you never know how long it’s going to last.
My life feels like it’s constantly being put on hold in order for me to go through episodes of depression. The good news is that there are resources out there for sufferers, and I highly recommend that people who do have depression – or suspect that they do – utilize these resources.
Mental illness is not less serious than a physical illness.