I waited for you at the coffee shop, but you never came. I sat with my back against the wall so you’d notice me the moment you walked in. I chose a table that would make it easy for you to sit by me and strike up a conversation. I wore my hair down so I could flirtatiously move it from side to side as if that made me more attractive to you. I dressed in a cute outfit—nothing flashy—but just enough so you could see how put together I was. I watched the door as patron after patron walked in and out of the shop. But I never saw your face. I waited for you at the coffee shop, but you never came.
I searched for you on dating apps—swiping left to every guy that didn’t check every box on my list. I laughed at so many witty bios and discovered men that seemed genuine, but none of them were you. They were cute—but too religious, conservative, short, not cute enough, not funny enough. The list goes on.
I got dolled up every Saturday night to see if you’d be at the bars. I curled my hair just right and sprayed it with every product I could find. I showed just enough cleavage to lure you in. I’d desperately scan the room for you and when I didn’t see you I would make everyone move to the next bar.
I searched for you between the aisles of the grocery store. I hoped that you would be in the seat next to me on my flight. I dreamt of us running into each other on the street like a typical movie meet cute. I thought we would make eye contact from across the subway.
I waited for you at the coffee shop, but you never came.
But as I sat waiting, I realized that you would never come. That the tall, handsome, funny, can’t-do-anything-wrong, romantic guy with a cute accent would likely never come.
Because he only exists in my mind. He was a figment of my imagination. And in waiting for this man to exist, maybe I have missed out on what was in front of me.
Or maybe there was nothing to miss out on.
But either way, I don’t want to wait anymore. At least not for you. I don’t want to exert any more effort in looking for you or manipulating a situation in hopes that you may show.
I don’t want to look for you anymore because there is someone else that I need to find. In a world I’ve dedicated to searching for you, I have lost myself. I have given so much love to you and none to myself. I’ve created so many layers to you and perfecting you, but in that process, I have faded away in the shadows.
So I’m going to sit at this coffee shop, but not for you. I’m going to sit and read poetry to feed my soul. I’m going to go on a walk and look up at the sky as I feel the rays of sunshine tickle my skin. I’m going to strike up conversations with strangers for no reason other than to hear about their passions. I’m going to hit the town with my friends solely to create memories and eat one too many slices of pizza. I’m going to lay my head down on my pillow each night knowing that it was a successful day because I did something for myself rather than marking it as another day without seeing you.
I am no longer going to wait for you because I have myself.
And at this moment in my life, I am all I need.