Chicken, beef, and pork are simply wonderful. Whatever meal I eat includes one of these three meats. A side salad might wander into the picture now and again, but it’ll never be the focal point of my plate.
There’s a chance that my waistline is expanding due to my enthusiasm. Still, I cede no moral ground to vegetarians. I have no problem with fruits and vegetables per se. They’re a tasty if inessential part of a meal. But they’re an accompaniment to the main course.
Vegetarians tend to be self righteous and arrogant, claiming that carnivores harm the environment. This calumny cannot stand, so I’ve taken upon myself to defend the sanctity of meat.
A few weeks ago, I sidled up to a street vendor to order some lunch. The chili smelled hardy, and I was in the mood for comfort food. But in response to my request for a bowl, I was met with the following question, dripping with condescension: “Dead animal, or healthy vegetable?”
Is the vendor who profits from the sale of meat-based chili not as responsible for an animal’s death as the person who eats said chili (and pays good money for the right to do so, no less)? At least I possess the giblets to admit that an animal died to satisfy my appetite. Meanwhile, those of the nutrient-obsessed, protein-deficient, vegetarian ilk consume excessive plants without thinking about all the carbon dioxide those greens could be transforming into oxygen, if it weren’t for the fact that they were lining stomachs!
There’s no reason to feel guilty about chomping on a delicious hamburger, even if you do so to the tune of a heart-wrenching ballad by Sarah McLachlan while an SPCA commercial featuring impossibly adorable kittens airs. It’s not as if a member of an endangered species or some sad, neglected kitty was sacrificed to make that patty.
If you’re not yet convinced, consider a medical fact. Meat supplies the human body with necessary nutrients, such as iron. A high iron concentration is good for blood donation, and the American Red Cross has to turn away five percent of potential donors due to low iron levels. I’m guessing a significant percentage of those rejected are of the vegetarian persuasion. Way to go in the battle towards saving lives, veg-heads!
You see, carnivores are unacknowledged philanthropists. While our shameless, high-priced appetites keep the economy humming, our reluctance to eat plants keeps the oxygen flowing globally, and our ability to donate blood keeps the human race going in the face of debilitating diseases. Essentially, vegetarians are alive—and have the privilege of indulging in such trivial pursuits as soy milk and tofutti—thanks to us.
As an ordinary citizen fulfilling his civic duty, I’m no hero—but I’m always down to eat one.