I Can’t Compete With The Girl You Still Love

Flickr / tomo tang
Flickr / tomo tang

You picked me up for our first date and knocked on my door. You shook my dads hand firmly and brought my mother flowers. You never made me drive and you always picked up the tab. You had me home at a reasonable hour just like you promised. You were always perfect gentlemen. You opened the car door for me, opened the restaurant door for me, and picked me up at the curb when we left. You were supposed to be the nice guy…

You would surprise me with my favorite candy and my favorite wine when you knew I’d had a rough day. You knew how to make me laugh and smile, when all I wanted to do was cry. You helped me find my happy place when I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed. You were proud of me, encouraged me daily, and brought out the best in me. You gave so much to me without expecting anything in return. You were supposed to be the nice guy…

You called when you said you would. You always answered the phone and you never disappeared for days at a time. You always included me in your weekend plans and you proudly introduced me to every person you knew in that bar. You gave me updates when you were waking up and going to bed.

You let me know when you were home and when you were going out. You stayed in with me when I didn’t want to be social and you willingly dragged yourself out after a long day of work because I needed to loosen up and have some fun. You were supposed to be the nice guy…

You were the first person to make love to me. Maybe you didn’t take my innocence, but dear God I’ve never felt so much passion with anybody. You made it feel like so much more than sex. To call what you did to me “fucking” would be a disgrace. You loved me hard and deep. You made us connect in a way I fear I’ll never feel with any other. Though, I never imagined I’d have to seek this feeling from anyone else. You were supposed to be the nice guy…

You didn’t talk to other girls very often, when you did you clued me in on the conversation. You gave me your phone password and never once did you lay it face down. Your ex-girlfriend called sometimes, but I understood. You had a long history and many mutual friends. You reassured me I had your attention and that any contact with her was strictly on a friendly level. You and her had been broken up for awhile by the time I came around, I should’ve know but you were supposed to be the nice guy…

It was a Wednesday morning at 10 A.M. and I was making the thirty-minute drive to class when your name lit up on my phone screen. The text read, “I really like you a lot so I feel I can no longer talk to you. I’m still in love with her and I always have been. You’re a great girl and I’m sorry.” You were supposed to be the nice guy but you didn’t even have the decency to break this news to me in the flesh, you didn’t even have the nerve to pick up the phone and dial my number so I could at least hear your voice one last time as you shattered my heart.

My mind raced as I tried to piece together what went wrong. Twelve hours ago you were telling my dad you wanted to come on our family trip with us. Ten hours ago you were making love to me in my room, the room you had made your home for the past two months. Eight hours ago, you slept soundly next to me, wrapped around me like you never wanted to let go. Two hours ago you left my house for work and kissed me goodbye. You were supposed to be the nice guy…

I’ve learned a lot in the months since your departure. I still believe that nice guys exist; I just know now to be more wary of people’s intentions. I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never know what exactly happened with us. From what I hear around town, you two aren’t back together. I had and still have too much pride to inquire. I would imagine that those “friendly” conversations with her somehow turned into more. I don’t hate you but I did lose a lot of respect for you.

It was a learning lesson of what I deserve and what not to settle for. I know that I can’t compete with history. I sometimes wonder if I did something. Was I too fragile, too honest, too me? I try not to dwell on those thoughts too much because they’ll eat away at your brain and your soul and the way in which you so coldly left me has done enough of that for a lifetime. Time heals all and each day I find myself thinking about you less and less. You were supposed to be the nice guy…but you just couldn’t live up to that title. TC mark

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