1. The 18 year old aspiring IT Tech Analyst who doesn’t take off his backpack.
“Um excuse me sir, or rather you oblivious college-aged shit–your backpack is big enough to convince me that you’re going backpacking in the mountains of Patagonia. Can you please take this piece of atrocity off?
2. The guy who is too busy staring at the PDA lesbian couple that his hand keeps sliding down on the pole and touching mine every god damn 15 seconds.
“I know you’re trying not to get turned on right now for the sake of others on the train, but can you please stop playing tag/going in for a feel-ski on my hand?”
3. The sassy large woman whose bag keeps slamming into you every time she looks around.
“I’ve been contemplating whether or not to say something to you for the past 10 minutes because your candy wrapper decorated tote bag keeps bumping into me, yet you scare the absolute piss out of me.”
4. The overly nervous middle-aged businessman who is on his first work trip to NYC.
And feels the need to announce to everyone that he is getting off at the next stop. Newsflash young Donald Trump, you and all 16 of us are getting off as well, calm your shit.
5. The foreign lady screaming on her Android in a different language.
“Sorry Ma’am but the fact that you are screaming in another language makes you 10x more fucking annoying. My 86 year old grandmother speaks at a lower decibel level than you while on speakerphone. Also, how the hell are you even getting service? At this point I think you are solely doing this to screw with everyone.”
6. The eye rapist who refuses to lose the staring contest every time you look up at him.
“Okay I have pepper spray in my bag, a pen…could use that to stab him, oh and that $15 off at Cafe Bonjour coupon that could leave a deadly paper cut.”
7. That last asshole who tries to fit in the nonexistent spot.
“Unless you plan on dive rolling at people’s feet or getting into the tornado drill position (my early 90s homies you know what i’m talking about) step the fuck back, sorry but you’re not getting a free dry hump session on this train.”