We all work with these types of people in the office. We choose to either put up with them, or we are ready to find the closest well possible to push these humans down to make it all stop. Maybe you are thinking about a job change because you can’t stand these annoying shits that you have to see for 8+ hours, 5 days/week (or more). We’ve got news for you…whether you work in an office, restaurant, strip club, retail store, or for the fucking President of the United States, every workplace has these people. The purpose of this post is to inform you that you’re not alone and to possibly help shed some light on the situation.
1. The Royal Office Bitch
Otherwise known as the Office Brown-Noser, this person will do anything possible to please your boss. Even if it means performing certain “favors” (i.e. throwing others under the bus or being so nice that it’s overwhelming.) 10 times out of 10 these people have limited to 0 friends. They are known as the “Steven Glansberg” during lunch break. They most likely spend their down time at home plotting about who they are going to royally screw over next. Or what funny line they’ll quote from their favorite sitcom, Friends (real original) to their boss upon his/her arrival.
See, us mindful humans don’t have a thought about work when we go home at night. We’re distracted by our boyfriend named Netflix and our best friend named $8 bottle of chardonnay that we actually don’t give a shit if it has an “oaky finish”, we just hope it’s at least 13.5% alcohol.
Advice: Mind your own business. Don’t befriend them when they feel like being nice to you. They most likely are doing it so that they can use it against you in the future. Don’t even make eye contact with these C-U-Next-Tuesdays if you don’t have to. From the infamous bathroom scene in the movie Bridesmaids, “LOOK AWAY.”
You have been warned; watch out for these backstabbing hoe-bags.
2. The Desk Lurker
You just got into the office, and realized your email didn’t go through to Becky in the payroll department. This email was long overdue even yesterday. You are in the flip-a-shit stage of your panic. You also just realized you have 6 unread emails from your boss Raul who is royally pissed that you didn’t check your inbox at 3:06am.
In the midst of this god damn tornado, who walks up to your desk? Yes, the Desk Lurker. As if your pit stains weren’t obvious enough, this jerk decides to tell you about the pointless, most likely made-up dream she/he had last night. You are such a mental case by this point, (and your coffee shakes aren’t helping) that you can’t even look at this person when he/she comes up to your desk to show the empty bags of fucks given in your eyes. If your office desk lurker is a girl, she probably calls herself “the Carrie Bradshaw of her friend group”. Sidenote: Sorry but why does everyone want to be Carrie? Charlotte has a bomb ass Manhattan apartment with a lot of King Charles Spaniels…sign me up.
Advice: I don’t really know what type of advice I can give to you for these skid marks. They either get the hint that you aren’t paying attention, or they enjoy listening to themselves talk so much that they are completely oblivious. There are 2 options that you can attempt. Option 1: keep acting like you don’t give a rat’s ass. Hopefully she will eventually realize the unbearable sound of her own voice and stop. Option 2: act like you got the uncontrollable shits from that chimichanga you ate last night at that Mexican restaurant that finds satisfaction in putting laxatives in their customer’s food. I strongly recommend option 2.
3. The “Party” Guy
This guy was most likely in the frat in college where: 1) all of the guys were nobodies in high school and are now in their absolute tool bag prime. 2) that spiked the jungle juice with what they thought was Ecstasy but was really Flintstones chewable vitamins. Then spending the next morning talking about how hard they “rolled” unaware of how much they were shafted.
If you come into the office and feel the need to repeatedly tell everyone about the wild night you had and how you are still drunk, you most likely blacked out at the pregame after 5 Fireball shots and accidentally roofied yourself– game over. See the sad thing is, this guy is actually good at his job. He makes great suggestions and will help you and others when needed. He just really sets himself up for failure by acting like a flaming douche lord to overly impress everyone.
Advice: Call him out on his shit. You’ve heard these stories enough by now that you are able to figure out if he himself can even keep his lies straight. He will either back down and confess to the countless amounts of bullshit he fed you, or it will completely backfire and you’ll just be known as the office prick. Either way, all you have to lose is being on this guy’s office bone list. (Yes, you better believe he has one.) It’s okay though, we all know he’s a 10 Second Tom anyway.
So I think we’ve all come to the conclusion that these people drive us bat shit crazy. We can either suck it up, or we can actually do something about it. It depends on your abrasiveness and how much you are willing to risk your half-assed, entry-level, underpaid job. Either way, we’re all in this together.