For some reason, people seem to be under the illusion you need to have a reason to have depression or anxiety. It’s not true. That’s not how it works. You can be well off, in shape, beautiful, handsome, have a great job and a loving significant other and still be unhappy. It’s just how depression and/or anxiety works. (Please note, there’s a difference, but for many people, these illnesses go hand in hand.)
For others, there’s a reason for it. For me, there was a reason behind my anxiety. I mean, I was always an over-thinker, a worrier and a fairly sensitive person in general. However, due to an extreme set of domino-like circumstances, my anxiety became full-blown and I became depressed. I’m talking really, truly, “I can’t get out of bed” depressed. I told no one (until now, I guess), except my partner.
While I’m still sick and dealing with health issues, technically the problems I was having with workplace bullying and rejection are over. I say technically because I quit my job and I moved 12 hours away. So, technically, my “reason” should be gone, but it’s not.
I’m different now. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m different and not in a positive way. I used to bounce and be bubbly, but I don’t do that anymore. I don’t trust people the way I used to. When I met people, I used to pretty much like everyone instantly. There’s probably a handful of people in my entire life I disliked immediately after meeting them. I wasn’t that type of person. To be fair, I still like people. This hasn’t changed about me. I just no longer trust them to like me.
While my “reason” has technically disappeared, and while I’d say emotionally I’m doing much better, I still have bad days. I still cry for no reason and for every reason. I still get panic attacks for unexplained reasons, and I hate going anywhere unfamiliar. I hate spontaneity because I can’t prepare my anxiety levels. I don’t know why I still feel this way, after a year of separation, quitting and moving.
Maybe it’s because no one told me it was OK to feel the way I did. Maybe there’s a quota of how much can happen to someone before they break, and I just happened to reach mine. Now, I’m a little broken inside or maybe it’s one of those great mysteries of life. There is no reason, and sometimes we feel the way we do just because we do.
We need to be compassionate and empathic, even when a person has no reason (in your mind or even theirs) to be depressed or anxious. Because reasons can be overrated.
This story was published on The Mighty, a platform for people facing health challenges to share their stories and connect.