How I Am Using My Jealousy Of Other People To Make Myself Better

Amanda Perez
Amanda Perez

To the people my age who are achieving more than I am:

I see you.

Musicians, photographers, filmmakers, authors, actors–I see you. I see you succeed where I do not. I see you push the boundaries of what is considered “okay” and discover new frontiers of your art. I see your passion burn brighter than mine could, and I see that you have the time that I do not. I envied you a lot, you know. Instead of being my inspiration, you became a reminder of what I have not done with my life, of how much I’ve wasted what I could’ve used to be on your level.

Bless you and your work, but seeing your work makes me want to say “I can do that too”, and then fail horribly trying to do what you do.

But perhaps I have never failed. Maybe it’s just that I have never even tried.

One may not be able to see it, but those who have succeeded have failed more times than they might mention, and I respect that. I, on the other hand, am afraid of failure, so I do not take as much risks.

I should begin taking risks.

Not just so I can be like you, or that I can “get on your level,” but so that I can find my own level. There is one thing I can be sure of, and it is that I am better than I used to be, and I think that is all that matters. Thus, I will chase the fires with unceasing passion, giving no excuse to stop. But I am not at a race against time. Far from it: I must be going with time, so that I become what I am meant to be at the age I am meant to fully become myself.

I am happy for you all, you that have achieved more than I have so far. I will look upon you for inspiration, because when faced with failure and disappointment, you moved forward and achieved the success that you have with the love for the world, with the love from others. And now, there you are. It gives me hope that I will soon find my place, and if I do not have one, I must create one. TC mark

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