We were sitting on a park bench overlooking the city lights when he finally kissed me and the world fell away. I grabbed the wood of the bench to steady myself as we spun up, up. Like a movie special effect, the city lights were suddenly the stars and we were melted into one, spiraling with the universe. I had never experienced a kiss like it before. And I wanted more, NOW.
Despite this being our first outing alone together, a first date of sorts, we rushed back to his place and stayed up all night having delicious, intoxicating sex.
And despite not yet being officially divorced (papers submitted but not processed) and only six months after leaving my ex, I found, slept with and fell in love with my soulmate. We’re now married with two amazing little boys.
Does this mean that you should jump in bed with every guy on your first date? No, of course not.
Does it mean you shouldn’t? Depends.
Lots of folks will tell you that you shouldn’t, like in this popular article: Why Sleeping Around Will Never Help You Find “True Love”
Obviously, I disagree.
Listen, I’ve traveled the spectrum, from sleeping with men I didn’t want to but didn’t know how not to to not sleeping with men I wanted to because I felt like I shouldn’t.
I’ve believed in “do what you will and harm none” and sex as a sin.
I used to list the number of men I’d slept with and feel sad, ashamed and dirty.
Years later, I looked at the same list and felt gratitude and wonder. And laughed at myself.
I’ve even thought that I might have avoided my nine years in an emotionally abusive marriage if I had just slept with the guy sooner. He was a terrible lover but in the time we waited he worked his manipulative magic on me. By the time we were naked in bed, me holding his broadsword (yes, heavy metal weapon sword) and he announced, “Abandon hope all ye who enter here” before, well, entering me, by then I was already emotionally entrapped. There was no authentic sexual connection but my fears, doubts, shame were entangled with him and I didn’t know how to leave for all those years.
From having no lovers, to many lovers, to a terrrible sexual partner in a terrible marriage to absolutely amazing sex in a fantastic marriage, I’ve learned a few things about my own sexuality.
I believe we do create an ongoing energetic connection to each person with whom we are sexually intimate. Some of us can handle lots of these connections, for others of us, we need to be more conservative with the connections we make.
I believe sexual energy is powerful, healing, creative and useful. I believe it is natural and beautiful from vanilla to kinky, from committed to casual.
I believe that we can and must tune into what’s right for us sexually, beyond the morals and constraints of our culture. We damage ourselves when we resist what is our nature.
I have clients who are unmarried and monogamous, and clients who are married and polyamorous, and they are all thriving and doing what’s right for them.
So what should you do? I believe that only you have the answer. I believe you should find and follow your intuition.
Do It! To start, get quite and ask yourself these questions:
- What do I want now? (Sex? Love? Both?)
- How can I honor myself sexually?
- If there was no judgement about my sexuality, what would I do?
Don’t be afraid to get support to figure out what’s right for you. You deserve to live a life that is sexually and emotionally fulfilling for yourself and for the world.