I woke up this morning feeling different, feeling anew. It was a sensation that I hadn’t felt in a while yet it took me awhile to point my finger as to what I was experiencing. And as I laid in my bed staring at the darkness, I felt liberated.
Then I knew.
I knew at that moment that your shadow no longer followed me. Your shadow is no longer at the corner of the street, no longer wedged inside my dream, no longer beside me in bed, and no longer with me. I gave myself time and finally your shadow packed its bags and left.
It took a while for me to get here, but I did. The journey was turbulent and whilst I was miserable, you were happy. But I’m glad that we can now both be happy because we all deserve happiness.
For now, I am at ease knowing that your shadow has left.
See your shadow wasn’t an ordinary shadow. No. It was more. It was a shadow that brightened my life; an oxymoron I know. Your shadow felt like the only entity that had its eyes set on me. Your shadow built a fortress to call “ours”. Your shadow became a part of my everyday life for a couple of months.
Thus when you left and your shadow remained, I was paralyzed.
I clung on to the past when I shouldn’t. I made brash decisions that I ultimately regretted. I allowed your shadow to manifest my life and enabled it to build a kingdom that I wasn’t even allowed to enter.
I allowed your shadow to blind me with flashbacks of what was and could have been.
It was all because I loved you which I presume I will always do. But to my understanding, sometimes love between two people isn’t enough for them to stay together. Whilst I know that our story remains open-ended, I’ve made my peace with you and with us – past and present. Coming to terms with anything is never easy. But dear, coming to terms with you was truly difficult.
Maybe you never knew, but I had to choose happiness for myself over you. I had to opt in letting you go if that’s what it would take to maintain my sanity. I had to accept us being strictly friends. I had to suppress any wants and desires of you each time I physically saw you. You have no idea how many times I wanted to hug you close and tell you that I’ve missed you.
I didn’t because I tried to respect the terms and conditions we are in.
I cut the cord yet at the same time I wanted you to stick around. It was give and take battle that kept losing ground. I never asked you if it was difficult for you to carry on with your life after me, but I’m guessing it wasn’t.
I can only hope that you’re genuinely happy because I am.
Today your shadow kissed my forehead goodbye and left.
Today I am free of your memories.