Remember this quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky? “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Yeah, that one.
I was scrolling through my Facebook feed when I saw someone posted the quote. Strangely, it happened in the same week while I was occupied with a lot of stories about my tarot reading clients who experience abuse in a relationship. And just like that, I snapped.
I have my own sad stories about unfair treatment in a relationship, so I know how it feels like to be on the losing end. But on that day, I realized that we are not always the victim here.
Here’s the cycle. You meet this very sweet and sensitive guy who seem to understand you with all your flaws and imperfections, but once you move in together, he feels insecure about everything you do. You spend your days trying to convince him that you will always be there for him and be his supportive girlfriend.
You give so much love, but you get so little in return. In fact, you won’t have enough love to love yourself because he’ll assume that if you love yourself, you don’t love him enough. Sounds familiar?
I’ve seen not only clients but good friends who are strong powerful females who fell into this trap over and over again. Most of the women who experience abuse or lack of power balance in their relationship either come from a dysfunctional family or they tend to value themselves lower.
They think that staying in a relationship with so much discomfort seems more comfortable than finding someone else who can give them the love they deserve. It’s because they’re not sure if anyone can love them more than their abusive partner.
They also think that love can change the way their partner treats them. It might happen in an alternate reality, but based on my personal experience and my clients’ stories, I’m sorry to tell you but, it’s pretty unlikely.
Because it’s bullshit. I’m sorry if I have to kick your ass this way because I know that you deserve so much more.
Look at yourself again in the mirror and tell me what you see. Do you see a confident, beautiful woman that deserves someone who can love her for being who she is? I do.
You don’t deserve bullies who continuously lower your self-worth just to make themselves feel good.
How we allow our partner to treat ourselves is the reflection of how we think we deserve to be treated. If we don’t value ourselves enough, we are more likely to attract the needy partner who dislikes the idea of us being who we are. Remember, no one can give you better love than yourself.
The right love will make you feel comfortable being yourself. The right person will encourage you to pursue your hobby, the future you want, even if it means you have to sacrifice comfort in your relationship (hello, long distance relationship!). You’ll know if you’re in the right relationship for you if you feel comfortable in speaking out your opinion without worrying about being the bad guy here because a great relationship contains nothing but love and respect for each other.
So give yourself some loving before you plea for someone else’s love. Oh and, please know that you should find love from someone that is so amazing, rather than sticking to the second best, because you totally deserve it.