Plans: who the heck wants them? Not me, and probably not you. Instead, what you really want is to do what you want when you want on your own time and in your own space—you know, the way you used to do before you became a mom.
But sometimes, by fate or by force, it happens: you make plans. You immediately regret it. Still, you suck it up and tell yourself you can handle a three-hour playdate with the lady from gymnastics that you only sort of know.
However, when the day comes, you know that you just can’t suffer through 180 minutes of forced small talk. It’s OK. I got you, mama. Here are 20 creative excuses to use when you need to cancel plans fast.
1. “We didn’t purchase the furniture protection plan, so I’ll be de-pilling our living room furniture for the foreseeable future.”
2. ”The toddler flushed my keys, so I’m Googling ways to remove manhole covers.”
3. “I started baking banana bread two days ago and somehow the center is still soupy. Looks like I’m in this for the long haul.”
4. “I accidentally gave away all of our shoes in a temporary fit of minimalist madness. I’ll text you in 48 hours after our order with the replacements arrives.”
5. “I’m being treated in the burn unit after a sick comeback from my three-year-old.”
6. “My six-year-old was telling a story for the last five hours and the time completely got away from me.”
7. “I took some ibuprofen on an empty stomach and now I have an ulcer.”
8. “Would you believe the baby* kept me up all night; I’m so exhausted.” Law & Order marathon.
9. “I stopped at the store to get some milk for the week, and I’m still waiting for my ‘oversize load’ escort to arrive.”
10. “I’m literally drowning in my student loans. Send help.”
11. “I went to check our mailbox and then realized it was Sunday, so I’m packing our belongings and looking for a home in a neighborhood where the shame of this incident will not follow us.”
12. “I finally found all of the socks that we lost over the years only now I can’t find my way back from Narnia.”
13. “I’m stuck here for the next six hours waiting for the cable guy to arrive because I’ve never heard of Hulu.”
14. “Someone rang my doorbell earlier and I immediately went into cardiac arrest.”
15. “I told a joke a few days ago and I can’t stop laughing about it.”
16. “I had a princess tea party with my kid and my cup of air was laced with arsenic.”
17. “I signed up as momager for my daughter’s sports team and I literally can’t do anything but talk about it.”
18. “I poked myself in the eye with a mascara wand while laughing at a parody makeup tutorial on YouTube.”
19. “I just fed my kid chicken nuggets for the 70th day in a row, so I have to go collect my Mother of the Year Award.”
20. “I won’t be coming, and I won’t be calling to reschedule because I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”