There is so much power in the word “goodbye.”
It can either mean you have let the person go forever or perhaps a temporary leave until the next time you see them again. Either way, just that one word can determine the status of the person in your life.
When we said goodbye I didn’t want to let you know that there was something in my heart knowing that it’s time to let you go. I was hoping at the time that my distance was one thing and the lack of “I love you” was the other. Without saying that word, the bus ride to the train station from the hotel seemed bitter. It was as if the city itself knew that this was it for us. That at this moment would be the last time I held your hand, the last time I smiled with the thought of you and the last time I could look into your eyes knowing that you’re the person I considered as home.
I regret not saying the word goodbye to you. Because we never got the proper ending to things. Because you left with a different notion in your head while my head was filled with mourning. It was a coward thing for me to do and I admit that now. I admit it now because I was so sure in my heart that I would never say goodbye to you in that context.
After the last hug that lasted too long for what appeared to many as a “they’ll meet again” I didn’t cry in front of you that afternoon. Nor did I cry that evening. But, now I cry thinking about it. As you got home sending me a text about getting there safely I didn’t reply. As you waited patiently wondering if I got home safely all I sent was “I’m boarding”.
I can’t use the excuse that “I am difficult to love” or “I can’t love very well” because when I look at those around me that I cherish I can see that I love them and they love me. Perhaps I was scared of the love that you gave me. Because it was nothing that I had seen before.
So, yes there is so much power in the word “goodbye.”
And the fact that I didn’t say it to you directly says everything you need to know.