Loving Her Couldn’t Have Been A Sin

Two girls laying in the yellow flower speckled grass on an ocean bluff
Noël Alva

I first saw her across the room, and my heart jumped into my throat and my stomach filled with the kind of butterflies you get on a first date. But, I haven’t introduced myself yet.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that beautiful girl across the room with the brightest smile would turn everything I knew about myself upside down.

When I opened my mouth to say hello her eyes spoke for her. It was as if looking at them made me feel every single emotion she felt before this awkward first meeting.

Happiness. Joyful. Excited. Loneliness. Sadness.

Every single emotion embedded in the way she looked at me. Every single emotion in just one look.

I never understood my feelings by the first year of friendship. All I knew was that she was exactly like the girl in the movies. The character that the audience loved from start to end. At this point, I said my first prayer.

“Heavenly father, is what I am feeling for another girl wrong? Is this a sin or merely something that will change me forever? I need answers, and everyone tells me you always have them.”

When she kissed me I said the Hail Mary five times. It didn’t work. My feelings grew.

She was exactly like the girl in the movies. If this was a movie and she was that girl, then I would have been that character the audience will always feel bad for. I never have good luck anyway, right?

By the third year when we said hi, I felt the feelings growing inside me. Stronger. So, I recited a prayer ten times still waiting for God to answer.

Instead, she heard it.

Suddenly my head started spinning. Her eyes that used to convey nothing but happiness around me now changed to sadness. I caused that.

Bless me, father, for I have sinned. She thought that I was using her as some kind of experiment to test out my sexuality. Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I thought what I was feeling was wrong. Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was waiting for an answer from you all this time I couldn’t just move on with my life. Bless me, father, for I have sinned. Is love considered a sin?

We went from an awkward hi to goodbye, and all it took was me saying a prayer ten times.

Is this a sin? Was she a sin? Is love a sin?

I thought love is always supposed to win. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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