Let Me Tell You What Being On Birth Control Really Feels Like

Flickr / Sarah C
Flickr / Sarah C

Today is the day: Day five. The doctor said it would take five days to kick in and HERE. WE. ARE.

“I just made sweet, sweet love to my Nutella crepe & ice cream dish. Directly after, I used all of the strength inside of my body to hold my tongue back from reaching down to the empty plate in front of me to lick it dry – ONLY because I was in public of course and there’s a chance that they may have tossed me out for indecency.”

This is the text that I sent to my five best friends in our daily group chat.

BIRTH CONTROL, ya’ll. That’s right! BC. Our good ol’ friend Oral Contraceptive. Due to a debilitating, extremely painful (and hospitalizing) period, I took birth control all through high school; this is not a new thing for me.  I went off of it four years ago simply for the bettering of my physical and mental state (I swear I’m not crazy, hehe?).  In the last week, however, some unknown demon voice inside the depths of my brain told me to reply, “Yeah, sure! why not?” *shrugs shoulders* to the BC prescription that my lady doctor was basically, in my defense, force feeding me.  I blame her kind eyes and matronly tone.

My boobs had grown almost a full cup size overnight and I was fully convinced that I had five lumps of solid breast cancer rollin’ around in there.

After filling the prescription at my local pharm, I got home and shoved the dumb little pill packet deep inside my bag.  It took me two days to mull it over in my mind, coming to the conclusion alas, that, FINE — I would try it out again for a week and go from there.  The first day, nothing.  The second day, nothing.  The third day, oh that third day! My boobs had grown almost a full cup size overnight and I was fully convinced that I had five lumps of solid breast cancer rollin’ around in there.  After much calming down from my sister, and an emergency doctor’s visit (I know, I know, hypochondriac) I realized it was the birth control doing such breasticular wonders, no cancer involved (thank you my sweet, lucky stars). This day also marked my very first blemish on my face in six whole months! Grrrr. No, thank you.

“I feel like this crazed person running around town on a feeding rampage right now. NOTHING IS SAFE GUYS- food, babies, lint on the floor… I WILL EAT YOU. I’ve spent fifty dollars on food already and it’s hardly noon …Still somehow there’s this hollow pang inside my stomach sobbing with famine. 😭 😂 😭”

This was the proceeding text after my previous sweet-love-baby-crepe text.

En route to my 27th meal of the day, I found myself inside of a little deli. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a baby kitten that reminded me of my cat when I was growing up. Which then made me think of my Mom and Dad…and finally my Grandma. For some unknown reason, this made me incredibly sad. Side note: they are all alive, healthy, and happy people. Maybe I missed them? I don’t know.

Suddenly I felt blood rush to my face and before I knew it my eyes were on the precipice of tears. WHO AM I. I could hardly shed a tear during that Will Smith Zombie movie when his dog dies in his arms – and that was DEEPLY sad for me. But somehow here I was, alone in a deli on 16th street, bawling my eyes out over absolutely nothing?

This is where it get really scary. In this same moment, I received a text from a friend I hadn’t talked to in months that said “Hi!” Not even a close friend – an acquaintance, if you will. The tears dried faster than they arrived and there I was smiling this little smile, wagging my metaphorical tail back and forth. Suddenly my heart was pounding with happiness and I felt as if I could conquer the world. WHAT THE.  Midway through this emotional roller coaster, I came to the second conclusion of the week that I would no longer take these damned oral contraceptives. PLEASE GET ME OFF OF THIS RIDE.

I had a friend recently who was dating a new guy. They had somewhat of a falling out because she didn’t tell him that she wasn’t on the pill. He assumed that every women is and SHOULD be taking birth control (What an asshole, I know! She set him straight, don’t worry). After interrogating about, 12? of my closest friends, I realized that the majority of them have the same issues with these pill (and most of them don’t take oral contraceptives at all). Many women out there can and do handle birth control impeccably. There is, however, a certain sum of us gals who are liable to go bat-shit-crazy at the drop of a hat after eating these hormones for more than five days. My wish here is that men could understand what these pills are prone to do to us and the sacrifices we as females have to take. I also wish that no man EVER assumes again that every women is oh ya know, zippidity-do-da, just takin’ the pill! Ugh! 😡

PLEASE GET ME OFF OF THIS RIDE.

I agree with the argument that women should be taking birth control because well, population control, duh! (and not being ready for a baby of course), but I would also like to get it out there that there is another side to the story and being on BC is not this magical, beautiful, or easy thing AT ALL.

On a final, non-judgemental note: We have a rover taking selfies on Mars AND we’re able to have conversations with our robot device that we store in our pockets (“Damn you, Siri!), WHY haven’t we come out with an oral contraceptive for men yet? Just saying.

“I CAN HARDLY HOLD MY PHONE TO SEND U GUYS A PIC BECAUSE THIS GRILLED CHEESE I’M SHOVING INTO MY FACE IS SO GREASY” (concluding text of my birth-control ridden feast around the city). The end. TC mark

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