The Rational Fears Of An Almost College Graduate

Flickr / Clark Gregor
Flickr / Clark Gregor

I’m in my final semester of college; I’m graduating in a month— and I am scared shitless. College has been like the fluffy, warm comforter that wraps around my body, hugging me tightly every night while I stay wide awake, sleeplessly contemplating what the hell makes someone a ‘successful person’? I thought that graduating college would make me feel successful, but somehow I’ve been feeling quite the contrary.

I always imagined graduating as being this huge leap. Like, I’d come out the other side as this different, highly successful, glorified person. I always imagined graduating as having this career magically appear in front of me— I’d wear blazers and yell “you’re fired” over the intercom while my assistants trembled in corner the at the very sight of me. No. Reality is setting in and I’m learning that graduating means putting in the work, the real work.

Like, going out and actually getting a job; putting myself out there like never before. I’m great with people. I mean, I don’t necessarily like them, but I’m great with them. I can approach people on the streets, or at parties; I could make friends with a Billy goat for God sakes.

It’s completely different, however, when you actually need something out of that person— like a job. Approaching them becomes this fear-ridden gesture that I’d really rather forget about and instead go home to the more important things in life like, my Netflix and my snacks. Sigh.

Want to know the scariest part of this whole endeavor? I found myself typing into Pinterest yesterday the two words I never thought I would: “Business Attire”.

Christ!

Does this mean I’m going to have to throw away all of my skirts and purposely destroyed jeans— and crop tops? No, not the crop tops! Will I now be categorized into the sector of society who litters the streets at five pm bearing Galaxy sized moose knuckles (aka camel toes) from sitting at their desk in their poop colored ‘work trousers’ all day? More importantly, will I have to wear kitten heels? No, not the kitten heels!

Speaking of getting a whole new wardrobe: will I have to get a whole new set of friends? This is a serious concern. How are my non-working, un-graduated friends going to handle me if I’m constantly blabbing on about Jerry down in accounting who has adult braces and a sassy attitude?

Will I suddenly obtain a low-lit monotone voice that is only allotted excitement if the copy machine is not broken or if Gus with the big butt brings donuts? Will my old friends be okay with my newly possessed monotone voice or will I have to form my own clique of office goonies?

Not to mention all of the non-humorous aspects that involuntarily linger in my mind as graduation approaches— well actually just one big one: student loans. This topic deserves a “christ!” as well. I will be in debt for the first time in my life and have no idea whether I’ll be living out of a cardboard shoebox, growing rats in my hair or if I’ll actually get hired somewhere.

Is my life over? I can’t help but think the only thing I’ve accomplished with graduating college is the release of my beautiful, velvety security blanket that’s held my hand while whispering sweet nothings to me for the past four years. Real life is coming in for a landing, and it is coming in fast. I am scared. I am anxious. And I am frickin’ excited. TC mark

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