I Will Always Remember Your Heartbeat

Nine days after you told me it was over, I had to get my belongings from what used to be our place. Nine days after you ripped my heart out I had to face you again – knowing it would be the last time I ever saw you.

I knew it was the worst thing I could possibly do to myself. I knew it would be just another gut-wrenching heartbreak. I knew the last hope of getting you back only existed in my own desperate mind.

I could already feel the endless amount of pain I was about to cause myself, but my feet kept walking forward while my shaking hands found the key to your apartment. I was trembling, out of control, a complete mess, couldn’t breathe, overwhelmed with despair.

I knocked on your door. I used to open it with no warning at all. You opened in silence. We hugged. Everything was awkward, yet weirdly familiar. I was freezing and starving. You gave me my favorite sweater of yours, a cup of coffee and some food.

You were as caring as always, but I was no longer yours to care about.

You told me how soul crushing it had been to collect every little item of mine. You had been lying on the floor, sobbing over one of my unwashed t-shirts. You cried into your pillow at night because it still smelled of me. You asked to keep my toothbrush, because otherwise yours would be lonely in the mug. You kept the ginger tea; knowing it was the last thing you ever bought for me.

You literally bought me my favorite tea and destroyed my entire life a few hours later.

We both knew you would be happier and finally free without me, but in that moment, we were drowning in a sea of sorrow. We sat on the bed. The bed that used to be home of our loving, our late night conversations, our laughs, our inside jokes, our cuddling, our lazy Sundays and our silly dreams.

We stared into each other’s eyes for ages. My eyes shined brighter than the moonlight, but the stars in your eyes were dead. The stars that used to tell me that you loved me, just by looking at me. The stars that surrounded what was once your world; me.

You tried to wipe away my tears, and lost control of your own. The way you cried that night broke my heart all over again. Mostly because I had no idea if it was grief or guilt that caused your tears.

I laid my head peacefully on your chest. I could hear your heart beating. Your hands caressed my hair. Your hoodie felt so soft on my cheek. I closed my eyes. Your smell was the most calming thing in the world. You were my home. I will remember that exact moment for the rest of my life.

I knew that no sweet whispers or blissful kisses would make you mine again. Then I left you, because you left me.