It’ll happen after the third unanswered message or the second half-hearted reply. You’ll call yourself out on trying too hard and being too clingy and doing everything you promised you wouldn’t do again. You’ll call him out on being uninterested and oh-so-rude. But deep down, you’ll know this is nobody’s fault.
The realization that you’ve been romanticizing a cracked past will hit you suddenly, and no amount of self-explanatory bullshit you’ll try to muster up can change your mind.
Ignore the burn at the pit of your stomach that follows you around while you prepare breakfast. Try to stop the shaking of your hands that takes over while you sit in the car waiting for the garage door to creak open. Move past the pain that concentrates on your left temple. Take them as your body’s way of saying you’re doing the right thing. It’s an epiphany, you’ll tell yourself as you lay in bed at night, scrolling past name after name after face after face on your contact list. All the living ghosts of relationships past. Now I know what Gatsby felt, you’ll think with a chuckle as you stare at the little green dot next to his name, only to realize how stupid you’ve started to sound.
This isn’t about turning lost love into yet another metaphor. At some point, because the path to detachment is a treacherous one, you’ll begin to doubt the connection you shared.
Every word he said will dance around your mind as you meticulously pick apart the bits and pieces of what he meant only to figure out that there’s no hidden meaning behind any of them. Words are just words. You’ll then lose sleep over-analyzing the silence that wedged between you, and the way the care seemed to diminish as time ticked by. Stop yourself when your brain begins to play these tricks on you.
Remember that this process isn’t about crumbling the past, it’s about freshening up for the present. You’ll know it was real because you felt it, it’s just time to stop feeling it. This will weaken you momentarily and turn the spark in your eyes into a mere shimmer, but don’t allow yourself to relapse. You’ve been through hell many times, and the flames have ignited your spark brighter than before.
So tread on. When you’re through the worst part, you’ll feel a deep sense of relief. You won’t blame him and you won’t blame yourself either. You’ll find solace in the fact that this is simply one of those walls that can’t be crumbled. This is nobody’s fault, you’ll repeat to yourself every morning when you wake up and every night before you fall asleep.
It’ll be different, though, because this time you’ll actually believe it.
So you’ll forgive the universe for the timing. You’ll allow life to surprise you once again. And you’ll heal, constantly reminded that it’s best to slow down; what’s meant for you always finds its way home.