Found on Ask Reddit
We were bringing lunch to the teachers at school and my daughter announced that we made a special soup for Mr. S because he’s a virgin.
Mr. S is a vegan.
At the zoo watching a Rhino and a young family is next to me…out of the blue the Rhino got an erection, something brought to my attention by the young boy yelling “Whoa, Look at his weiner! Is yours that big daddy?” The father turned bright red while the mother laughed her ass off.
In the middle of my local zoo there’s a big clearing where they let all the African animals (except the carnivores, obviously) mingle, in an attempt to recreate a natural habitat. Last time I was there I was standing near a little boy and his mother, and the kid was in awe of what he was seeing. Suddenly, though, he saw something that got him really, really excited.
“Look, Mummy, look!” he shouted, pointing. “It’s a pigeon!”
The thing is, he was absolutely right: in an African setting, an English pigeon is the exotic one.
Watching Star Wars with my 5 year old nephew. Great scene with Darth Sideous sitting in his little char facing out to space. You can’t see him and all you can see is the chair before he does his big spinning chair reveal. Sideous says something like “Ahhh Skywalker, I’ve been waiting for you” or something.
My Nephew turns to me, shrugs his shoulders and says “Talking chair”
Don’t know why this caught me but I lost it
My son after wearing pants all winter and switching to shorts.
“Dad… I need sleeves for my legs”
My niece likes to sing in front of everyone at holiday gatherings. When she finishes she says “everybody crap” instead of “everybody clap.”
Always gets a good laugh.
“Uncle noob_almost drank and drove us home!”
It was a coca cola you little narc.
My niece was 3 when my nephew was born… She came up to me and my girlfriend when we visiting my sister in hospital and said “so am I not allowed to punch the baby in the head?”
My little 6 year old cousin told me that his mom laid an egg and he hatched from it when explaining how he was born
My husband was pulled up for random breath testing. As the cop told us we were fine to go on our way, my youngest child piped up “Well that went better than last time!”
Turns out he meant last time hubby was RBTed he bitched about it because it was raining and the shoulder he was pulled up on was boggy.
Family went to Olive Garden restaurant. Waitress delivers the obligatory bowl of salad with the salad tongs.
I proceed to start mixing up the salad with the tongs.
My 4-year old daughter sits up and stares into the bowl and then looks up at me and asks, “What are you looking for?”
So my almost 4 year old has a speech delay, and she pronounces horse as “whore” and she has a my little pony toy that she takes everywhere. Anyway, she dropped it in Walmart one time and I didn’t notice and was walking away (she was in the cart) and she yells “MOMMY MY WHORE! Get my whore!!” Oh god I laughed so fucking hard, as did a lot of people around me. Obviously had some nasty looks, but whatever. She thinks she says horse.
We’re working on it.
One little girl asked her friend, “Does your mom have a baby in her belly?” (the woman was quite overweight). The kid says, “Oh, there’s every possible thing in there”
Sorry it’s hard to get it across in English but it was hilarious :D
My 7 year old son slept on the top bunk of a bed with his brother down below. He’s a bit of a tank and was hitting around 28kgs. One night he asked me to put him to bed, and I said “mate, you’re getting really heavy, I’m not sure that I can lift you all the way up that high anymore!”.
He looked me straight in the eye and said “Dad, you just need to believe in yourself”.
Me: “How old do you thing Grandpa is?”
5 yr old nephew: “erm….12”
Me: “No, he’s actually 62”
Nephew: “OOooh, he’s going to die soon”
3ish year old girl on a airplane loudly announced “my daddy left me and mommy…and I don’t know where he went”. Then she pointed to her mom’s tummy and told everyone “there is a baby in there too”.
The mom had to remind her to tell the rest of the story, that daddy had taken another plane to a different city for work, but would be meeting up with them in a few days on their family vacation.
Uncle had a tick in his ear when we went camping. my nephew pronounced tick as dick and would not stop shouting “uncle toms got a big ol dick in his ear” over and over again.
I once heard my son (Who’d just watched the old star wars series) ask my grandfather (British WW2 vet) what side he fought on in “The war” and my grandfather responded with “The Empire”
My kid cried for days because he thought his great grandfather fought for the galactic empire.
My partner’s 5-year-old daughter was watching me do my makeup in the mirror and she said “You look like an angel”.
That’s the sweetest thing she’s ever said to me, so I gushed like a teenage girl and thanked her with a big grin on my face.
Then she elaborated: “You look like you’re dead”.
Just happened last week when kiddo #2 was born.
I brought kiddo #1 (just turned 5) to the hospital for the first time to meet his new bro, he takes one look at the sleeping baby and says “He’s so cute”
Then, he turns to my wife, looks her in the eye and says with genuine concern “How’s your vagina?”
The nurses lost it.