Found on Ask Reddit
1. “My dad died last night.”
My friend teaches in a primary school (ages 7-8). One day this little boy comes in, is uncharacteristically quiet all morning, and just before breaktime bursts into tears. Huge sobbing mess. There are some emotional kids in the class but this is not one of them – usually a bright happy little boy, lots of friends, no family trouble etc. My friend asks him what’s wrong and he says, “My dad died last night.” He gives a detailed account, in tears, of how his dad didn’t come home and later his mum came in to talk to him and told him his dad had been killed. Friend is horrified and sends a classroom assistant to reception to call the boy’s mother to ask if this is true and how they can help the child, while she herself stays to comfort her pupil, who is inconsolable. After getting over the shock she starts to think the story doesn’t make sense: kid’s family is stable and middle class and lives in a nice area, how would the dad have been killed, why would the kid be in school? She says to the boy, gently, “Um, [name], this wasn’t a dream by any chance, was it?” Kid stops crying and thinks for a few seconds, then says, “Oh yeah, I think it was actually” and immediately starts eating his snack and chatting with his friends happily like nothing ever happened.
2. “I’m going to blow up the school.”
I had a (very troubled) four year old describe to me in detail how he was going to shoot me, blow up the school, and then go home and eat cheddar.
3. “The last pancake, alone and afraid.”
My mom once gave my 3.5yo nephew a pancake, telling him it was the last one. He picked it up, declared “the last pancake, alone and afraid” and then he shoved it in his mouth. No idea where that came from.
— misshome
4. “When I was an old man…”
When my little brother was 4 years old he would constantly begin stories with, “when I was an old man…” and then talk about how much he enjoyed flying. He had never been on a plane before.
5. “We could bury you in the sand and wait for the tide to come in.”
We decided to take a family vacation to Lake Michigan this summer. I was trying to get my 6-year-old daughter hyped about it, so I started naming things we could do at the beach like build a sandcastle or look for shells.
Without missing a beat, she said, “Yeah, and we could bury you in the sand and wait for the tide to come in.” I slept with one eye open that night.
6. “When I was a girl I went to get pop tarts and then the car crashed and burned and I died.”
One day I was talking to my,then 4yr old, son. I said we were going to the store to get some things and would be like us to get him some pop tarts or something. He says:
“Yeah I love pop tarts. When I was a girl I went to get pop tarts and then the car crashed and burned and I died.”
He then continued to talk about other things from when he was a girl.
Needless to say, we did not go get pop tarts that day.
— jsagexxx
7. “You’re going to get sick and die.”
Sitting outside my apartment on the little bench by the door just getting some air and this little girl walks up to me, no younger than 10 and just straight up says “you’re going to get sick and die” and walked inside. I was pretty shook not going to lie.
8. “Who said that?”
I was putting my child in the bath one night, and it was just she and I in the house. I think she was probably around 2 or 3. I suddenly felt really creeped out, like you do when you’re home alone and you feel like you’re being watched. I felt like someone was out in the hallway, when suddenly she looks at me very innocently and says “Who said that?”
The hair on the back of my neck stood up, and I put on my best poker face and asked her what she was talking about. She said: “Somebody’s whispering. Like this…” and proceeds to make a kid version of an inaudible whisper. I was stone-faced as my blood ran cold and I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. After a few beats she just turned around and kept playing in the tub.
Still creeps me out to think about it to this day.
Kids are weird man.
9. “Ted Bundy was a chainsmoker.”
My mother and I were for some reason discussing cigarette smoking one day in front of my then-5 year old daughter. At one point I said, “Ted Bundy was a chainsmoker.” And out of nowhere my little kindergartener interjects, “But then he found a new hobby…” I was speechless for a second. Like really, how do you even know who this guy is?! I don’t think I ever found out, either.
— Cealdi
10. “I’m talking to Mary.”
My ex’s daughter was babbling into her little toy phone one day. I asked who she was talking to and she said simply ,”Mary”.
I asked her dad who Mary was and he informs me that she was an old lady down the street who had died a few months ago.
Bonus : I had a toy phone when I was little and told my grandma I was talking to Beetlejuice.
11. “I’m going to bury you in the basement.”
Seven year old nephew sitting at top of the stairs.
“I’m going to bury you in the basement”
We didn’t have a basement but it’s still creepy as fuq
12. “What happened to your face?”
I actually just shared this story yesterday or the day before, but it perfectly applies here too!
I was crouching in front of this tiny little boy, 4 or under, trying to convince him to feed a nice animal without being afraid. He’s just staring at me with his eyes as wide as they can go, not responding to a single question I ask him or instruction I give him. I assume he’s stricken by shyness.
Then, in the middle of my sentence, he abruptly reaches out one teeny hand, and very lightly touches my cheek with his wee fingers.
“What happened to your face?” he asks me in a whisper.
My words die in my throat. I don’t know how to respond. His mom gets really embarrassed.
I spend the next week vaguely worried that this kid could see into my future, and someday I get into some kind of terrible accident that mutilates my face.
Or that I’m just really ugly. Not sure which is worse.
13. “Grandma said you have soft hands an’ are nice with hair.”
“Grandma said you have soft hands an’ are nice with hair.”
Filed that under “creepy shit I don’t need to hear when I’m working a funeral.”
14. “The devil is alive!”
I work in a library and I had a huge pile of books for repair behind me while I was helping a kid. The books tumbled over startling us both. He looked at me and whispered, “The devil is alive!”
15. “I feel like I could lick your cheek and you wouldn’t wake up.”
“You sleep really hard.”
“What?”
“I feel like I could lick your cheek and you wouldn’t wake up.”
I worked as a camp counselor, the little girl was 8 and slept in the bunk next to me.
16. “My dog won’t have a name soon, on account of him not existing anymore.”
I work in grooming, and I was waiting for a client to pick up their dog when a kid walked up and started talking to me. This happens often, as a lot of the time people come in just to let their kids watch the groomers, so I chat and stuff. Eventually I tell him the name of the dog I have. He responds, “My dog won’t have a name soon, on account of him not existing anymore.” He was probably like 10ish years old? It was sad and just took me way off guard.
17. “Jesus asked me if I wanted to come home.”
My daughter once told me she was talking to Jesus. She said to me out of no where she wanted to stay with me and I asked what do you mean? She said Jesus asked her if she wanted to come home and she said no she wanted to stay with mommy. We don’t go to church often so Jesus is not a topic we talk about much. It scared the crap out of me. I prayed that night lol
18. “Time to kill her.”
“Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the finest maiden of them all? Cinderella…… time to kill her” – 6 year old niece
19. “I used to have a baby that drowned.”
When my niece was little (maybe 3 or 4), she said she used to have a baby called Peanut Butter that drowned.
20. “My ghost friend doesn’t like you.”
My niece once told me her “ghost friend” didn’t like me and wanted to hurt me. It wasn’t so much that she said “ghost”, as much as the fact that she was 4, so it either WAS a ghost or she was the one who hated me…
21. “Do you know what it feels like to die?”
“Do you know what it feels like to die?” Eight year old kid, coming at me with a butcher knife. Well kid, I’m standing in front of ya so I haven’t died yet.
That was the last time I babysat. For anyone. Pro tip to parents: if your kid is literally in therapy because he literally has been diagnosed with PTSD, and this is your first date night since the event that caused it, TELL THE FUCKING BABYSITTER. Better even still, choose an adult babysitter, not a 16 year old who will be completely unprepared for a butcher knife wielding psycho child cutting phone lines because he has PTSD but no logic and wants his mommy.
22. “I want to see you die in a car.”
My friends son said he would love to see me die in a car. He’s five.
23. “Nana boo-boos next.”
My 2 year old daughter walked into my bedroom as I was changing my shirt after I had gallbladder surgery a few months ago. She saw my incisions and said, “Mama boo-boos?” as she pointed at them. I told her yes, and that mama is okay now. She looked at me for a second and said, “Oh. Nana boo-boos next.” Sure enough, my mom had her gallbladder removed during an ER visit the next week. Probably just coincidence but it creeped me out.
My stepson once grabbed me by the face and stared innocently at me as he said “Mama J, I love you. And the worms who will eat your guts when you’re buried will love you too. I’m hungry. Can I have a cinnamon roll?”
So anyway. Kids are fun.
24. “I want to take your skin and wear it.”
My 6 year old niece and I were hanging out one day when she suddenly looked up from her book and, in a completely deadpan voice, said that she wanted to take my skin and wear it so that she could be taller. Then she went back to quietly reading her book.
— senopahx
25. “Mammy, why does everyone in there look like they are asleep but I know they aren’t.”
3 year old is in car seat sitting at traffic lights, we were beside a funeral home, it had stained glass windows with white brick walls, my daughter asks me very serious “mammy why does everyone in there look like they are asleep but I know they aren’t” She’s never been in one before.
26. “I’m talking to Scott.”
My sister and I were in my mom’s garage one day, when we noticed my 3-year-old nephew was facing the corner and talking. I asked who he was talking to and he just said “Scott”. So I asked what Scott looked like and he said he was really tall with hair on his face. My sister and I were speechless…our dad had passed away 5 years before in that house, he was really tall with a beard…and his name was Scott.
27. “Stay there or else I eat your heart.”
My at the time 5 year old cousin was trying to get me to stay in her room to play with her dolls or something while I needed to go downstairs. She told me to stay there “or else I eat your heart.”
Of course, I laughed because what else can you say when a 5 year old says something like that? Then her gaze dropped and she told me, “Don’t laugh. I’ve done it before.”
I try to avoid being alone with that kid now.
28. “When I was a girl, I died.”
My son once told me: “when I was a girl, I died”.
My husband had a more-than-friends girl when he was like 16. She got hit by a bus and she died. Husband was devastated, visited her grave daily. A woman who he didn’t know, one day said he shouldn’t go to the graveyard as she wasn’t there anymore. She also told him she would come back as one of his kids.
Her birthday was august 14. Our son was born august 14, 2009.
29. Why is that man staring at me?”
“Why is that man staring at me?”
There is no one else is the house.
“Why’s his head like that?” He turned his head to a sharp angle. Then he just went back to playing with his cars.
30. “Daddy, when did your sister die?”
Two things from my 3 year old daughter…
“Daddy, when did your sister die?”… my parents first child was a girl that had some complications and only lived 2 weeks. As my parents only wanted 3 kids and I have 2 older brothers, had my sister lived I would not be here nor would my daughter
Oh and nobody had ever told my daughter that I had a sister. I asked everyone. It wasn’t a topic my parents talked about ever because it was painful for them.
Second one…
While pushing her stroller home from daycare discussing her very busy day with PlayDoh, she turns around and says “Mommy is going to give me a baby brother in the Spring” completely out of the blue. Two weeks later we found out we were pregnant and my son was born in March.
31. “I need to keep him trapped and not feed him, so his skin gets really small and I can see all his bones.”
My (at the time) four or five year old nephew and I were at my parents house. They have a conservatory at the back of their house so it runs living room > conservatory > garden, with lockable doors between each.
At some point he had removed the keys from the conservatory > garden door, then sent me on some made up errand to the conservatory: “Could you get my box of Lego from out there please?” or similar.
As soon as I’m in the conservatory he locks the other door behind me, trapping me in there. I decide to outsmart him by heading out to the garden, round the house and back in the front… But back door is locked and no sign of the key, I turn round to see him grinning and holding both keys. I ask him to please let me out but he claims he can’t.
I play my trump card of banging on the glass and shouting for help, at which point my sister (His mum) comes in…
Sister “Let your uncle out of there!”
Nephew “I can’t”
Sister “Why not?”
Nephew “I need to keep him trapped and not feed him, so his skin gets really small and I can see all his bones.”
32. “I’m gonna sit in this chair like grandpa.”
My grandfather passed away when my little cousin was just about 1 yo & when he was alive his favorite thing to do was lounge in the recliner either watching wrestling or curling small dumbells. Fast forward 6 years or so, my grandmother, little cousin & I was strolling through Walmart & they had miniature recliners for children. My little cousin sits in one of them & says “I’m gonna sit in this chair just like Grandpa” We were floor struck. My little cousin could barely speak or walk when our Grandfather passed away, & we never really talked about Grandad around him. Made us think maybe he is being visited.
— DupleAA 
